Just Another Day In The Neighbourhood
by The Ghost Writers
Summary: Casper Town is a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder. Care to stay?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Don't ask, it's a Ghost/Veritas thing. One thing became another and I spawned this. Please leave a review again.**

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><p><strong>Title<strong>: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: 1K

**Written By**: Zadi

**Summary: **Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

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><p><strong>Chapter One: In Which We Introduce<strong>

_Not to be rude, but what in the name of Zeus are you people talking about?_

—**Plug**

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><p>The day started in Casper Town with some purple prose about the sun rising. It's only mentioned because it has some weird foreshadowing subtext. Maybe it could be about the dead bodies in the bottom of the lake? How the dead wake up in cemeteries at night? Or it could be nothing at all, and only the narrator trying too hard.<p>

Nah, it's nothing.

Really.

Welcome, though.

We have a mad scientist (ignore the loud explosions), an old lady that holds the key to our destruction (please be nice to her), an assassin that uses her pets to help (yes, they talk), and a PI with a flare for tradition.

Is that everyone?

Well, there is that mad English professor on Mulberry Hill, but do speak in proper words and correct grammar. If you don't, a thesaurus will be aimed at you head. Some say the professor's thesauruses have soul-erasing properties, but this rumour is unsubstantiated.

Anyway, to get back to the point, it was a lovely morning. Perhaps too chilly, but the sun was out and everyone was still asleep. A car was parked near some bushes. The dark vehicle looked very out of place in such a quaint area. The houses were painted cheerful colours and the flowers were blooming. Yes, the car did look very obvious.

The owner of the car is the town's best (and only) PI, Zadi Kim.

She doesn't matter much right now, but she is taking pictures of the House With a Gargoyle on the Porch, and the House That Looks Warped in the Light.

"There's no logic behind this," she rumbled, barely noting her subconscious clinging to sanity by hardened fingernails, "It's like the entire town was made in a fit of particular madness by the inhabitants of a psych ward." The brunette observed in a monotone, "Or possibly one of those Internet forums."

The fourth wall was quickly fixed.

An iguana slithered out of a different house that was conveniently located in the shadows. A red tongue flickered out and tasted the air. She stuck her tongue back in and made a face. Ugh, the air tasted like morons. Ro the iguana crawled over to the dark car, her scales flashing in the light.

The PI didn't noticed and went on taking pictures. She had gotten several complaints about the three houses. But the one with the shadows gave her the wiggens, so she decided to do a stake out for the other two. "I'll say," she said to herself. "What's with this town?"

Just the other day another dead body washed up from Lake Inky. Mayor Fourohfour denied the waiver to send scuba divers down to find more. It was the eighth body this month, after all. And there was talk about cats missing, vampires in Pleasant Graveyard, and the apocalypse.

But those could all be considered small talk, and of the usual.

There is nothing to see here.

The owner of house WaGotP was reported to be a mad scientist. Zadi thought she read the paper wrong, because the house certainly didn't look like one owned it. Its bright walls, carefully trimmed hedges, and the happy birdfe—

Well, now it was looking suspicious.

House TLWitL, owned by a lovely old lady, who could always be seen knitting and polishing a large key, that, reportedly, has been in her family for ages.

The house in the shadows was still a mystery. Zadi did not want to go near it.

Of course, there was talk about the three houses, what talk there was. When the PI went to the Town Hall, she had gotten a headache looking at the marriage records and birth certificates. Nothing made sense. It seemed like one large incestuous family.

Why, that couldn't be true in this day in age.

Only in Mars, but not here in Earth.

_Marry me…_

Zadi jumped in her seat, the top of her head hitting the ceiling of her small car. Swearing, she looked around to see where the voice came from. There was only no one, and an iguana staring at her.

_No! Marry me, please… _A different voice said.

Zadi rolled her eyes and mouthed the word no.

Then everything repeated.

Zadi blinked.

Then everything repeated.

Zadi coughed.

Ro the iguana frowned. What was the point of being able to control time when the PI never reacted properly? Sighing, it went back to its owner; the old lay, and had fun causing her to repeat the same activities over, and over again.

The day continued and everything was purple prose and fine. The fourth wall cracked near the bookstore and where some teenagers were at the movies, but those were fixed. Birds chirped, a zombie got beheaded, and someone ran into the police station shouting about a psychotic bunny.

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><p>In a different part of town where the Professor resided, something relevant happened. His large house was filled with books and a network of computers. The tiny number of people that were invited inside often said that it reminded them of the Apple Store.<p>

He jumped in glee as he read the chapters of his musty book. He slammed it shut, and dust exploded skywards. Such wonderful knowledge he found about interdimensional time travel theory. All he needed was a blue police box! Then several of his computer monitors informed him that he had mail by way of a loud PING. He opened Mail and read the newest message aloud, before frowning in astonishment.

"Zadi published what?"

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><p>In another dimension, a girl that looked oddly like Zadi Kim cradled her head in her hands. Her computer monitor had the familiar site of Fanfiction(.)net up, the message confirming about her published work displayed before her.<p>

"Hell's bell," she muttered, leaning back in her chair, whilst slowly cleaning her glasses. "What have I just done?"


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: To my adoring fans, no. I will not marry any of you. But thanks for unintentionally giving me these ideas. You will all be paying for my future therapy. And, Cheese, thanks for giving me the idea of the 'suspenseful' page breaks/scene changes.**

**And I find it to be awesome that I came up as sarcasm. **

**Hey, how many references can I keep making to books/movies/TV? Can you guys find them all?**

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><p><strong>Title<strong>: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: 2K-ish

**Written By**: Zadi

**Summary: **Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, criss-crossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

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><p><strong>Chapter Two: Bring Out the Body Bags<strong>

_OH, AND ZADI, YOU CAN'T FORGET THE WEIRD DISAPPEARANCES OF ANY TOURISTS/TRAVELLERS WHO STOP BY, AND THE WHISPERED TALES OF THE INFESTATION OF THE UNDEAD._

_AND WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY DEATHS THAT CAN'T BE EXPLAINED BY NATURAL MEANS, ANYWAY?_

—**Cendi**

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><p>"Bloody hell," said a girl in an American accent.<p>

She toed the corpse with the tip of her trainer, half-expecting it to stand up and do the salsa. She then wondered if a dead guy could dance properly without the usual functions of the living. Maybe it could also sing and do her laundry.

The lake that had spewed out the corpse gurgled.

That was not a good sign.

The girl, Sydney, looked at the water with her colour-changing eyes. Any second now there will be another dead body to add to the list. Sighing, she hooked her arms around the corpse's and dragged it to the wheelbarrow. Dropping it on top, she skipped a little as she wheeled it away.

(La, la, la. What a happy day this was. La, la, la.)

Ten minutes later the twelfth dead guy rose up to the surface of the lake.

He felt lonely that Sydney had forgotten about him.

Eh, she'll pick him up the next day

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><p>Back at the house TLWitL, the little old lady was knitting again. With her feet stuffed in oversized slippers, and resting comfortably in a rocking chair, she whistled a merry tune as the gold-silver needles moved into creating a masterpiece. The yarn was very strange looking. Like the house, it had an odd warped quality. The colours were colours, but no one was sure which ones they were. Maybe mauve. Mauve's the colour of the narrator's soul.<p>

To be blunt, the lady wasn't knitting just any blanket. If the reader paid attention to the first chapter, then he/she/it would have known what the old lady was doing. She was—

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><p><em><strong>A drastic scene change later.<strong>_

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><p>Zadi doubled over to catch her breath. That crazy old guy just had to live on a giant mountain that had no proper driveways of any kind. Walking up was a nightmare, but what she was really dreading was walking down. She could have sworn that she saw skeletons on her way up.<p>

She lifted her head to look at the door. The doorknob looked strange. Almost like a frog. And it was all painted, no doubt as a sign of eccentricity. She knocked the door and waited.

Five minutes later she knocked again.

Ten minutes later she stood there, tapping her foot impatiently.

_What's taking him so long?_ Zadi thought.

The door finally opened, but only just. A nose stuck out, but it was the only visible appearance of a person. His voice was lathered in an Irish accent. "Who goes there?"

"Someone that needs advice." Zadi said, crossing her arms.

"Come Thursday of next year. I'm booked." The door slammed in her face, the green doorknob grinning at her in a mocking fashion.

"Oh. Come on! I walked all the way up here!"

His voice came muffled. "Too bad, Mr Big Shot. I already know everything, now leave!"

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><p>That was a pointless scene, the narrator decided. Probably more weak comic relief and a way to direct the reader's attention away from the lake that barfs dead people. She's not at all trying to do the same for the old lady.<p>

Pft. What old lady? I don't see an old lady knitting?

Do you see an old lady knitting?

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><p>In Casper Town, there is this adorable pub known as The Forum. It could be as empty as a ghost town, or filled to the brim with people wanting their orders.<p>

Oh, can someone please get me some crisps?

Whoops! Silly narrator, now isn't the time to eat. It's time to narrate and other such stuff. Like contemplating your place in the universe. That's very important and not at all important to this whatsoever.

Just for the record, I'm five steps above squirrel.

The Forum wasn't densely packed, but it had a nice crowd. The Professor was there lecturing a group of tourists. With a thesaurus in his hand, he spoke in great lengths about the importance of grammar and spelling. He also spoke about the fifth element, cheese, but that doesn't matter yet.

"That is why, simpletons, the letter 'u' is used for—"

"Excuse me," a tourist interrupted. "Why would I need to add the 'u'? We're in America. We don't need to use the 'u'."

Things got very confusing. And the narrator changed the setting to American English.

Proof: Color. Favorite. Pants. Fries. Period

Don't laugh, I would like to see you try being at the end of a sentence.

The tourist barely dodged the book as it flew over his head and hit someone else. The guy that got hit stumbled, and fell to the ground. His soul got erased by the book, thus substantiating the rumors, and he was now obviously dead. Or dead-ish.

Poor bastard.

"We are not in America!" The Professor exclaimed loudly. "We are in—"

Actually, no one knows exactly where Casper Town is.

Maybe Yugoslavia.

Yugoslavia is nice at this time of year, even though it no longer exists.

Back to the PI. She was sitting at the bar, exhausted from her encounter form the batty fruitcake. She took her hat off and put it on the counter, and then rubbed her eyes. "I can't believe it," she said to no one is particular. "I need a question answered, and he wants to terrorize the tourists."

The barman wiped a glass clean with a somewhat dirty rag. He raised an eyebrow. "He's always mad. Must be the leprechaun thing."

"What leprechaun thing?"

"Exactly. Want your usual?"

Zadi nodded, a root beer float and a plate full of french fries appeared in front of her. This town was surely something. "Hey," she asked him, holding a half-eaten fry in the air. "You know everyone, right?"

The barman propped his elbow on the counter and rested his chin on his opened hand. "Shocking, is it not?" he said in a dry voice.

Zadi resisted the urge to chuck a fry at his head. "What can you tell me about the occupants of these three houses?" With her free hand she spread the photos on the counter.

The barman picked one up and laughed. "What doesn't this town know about them."

"Like?"

"For starters, they're related to everyone. You've seen their family trees yet?"

She thought back to their marriage records and birth certificates. She shuddered, her brain and eyes, poor them. "Can't say I want to. Everything is so confusing and intertwined."

The barman was about to enter when a short girl walked up to him. "Into," she said a heavenly voice. Zadi choked on her gulp of root beer. "There's another body for you."

Into the barman threw his hands up in the air, grinning. "Excellent!" He threw his apron off and left the bar with a happy skip in his steps.

Zadi blinked several times. "Why is he happy about a dead person?" she asked slowly.

The girl spoke in her honeyed voice that reminded the PI of angels singing. "Why, he's the coroner, of course."

Zadi looked down at her depleted food. She was starting to feel sick. "Please tell me that he washes his hands."

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><p>Back at the WaGotP house, the other mad person known as Cendi cackled.<p>

"It's alive!"

Nothing happened.

"I said—It's alive!"

Still. Nothing happened.

Cendi scowled, and stuffed her hands in her pockets. She stomped over to her computer, coughed, and typed in something. Stepping back, she repeated, "IT'S ALIVE!"

An eerie line of music filled the air, and lightning struck a nearby black cat. Bats flew in the underground laboratory, and a frightening piece of foreshadowing struck the narrator.

Bats. Why does it always have to be bats?

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><p>Zadi stumbled out of the bar-pub-thingy. Gods, she was exhausted. What a day this was: a stake-out, a crumbly professor, and a guy that touches dead people handling her food. She looked fondly at the trash can. As long as she refuses to think of fries, then she may not use it.<p>

Putting her hat back on, a convenient wind gushed past her, making her trench coat flap behind her in a dramatic fashion. Of course, it was empathetic weather at work, but what Zadi doesn't know won't hurt her. The narrator chuckled at the thought of the next scene.

All of a sudden—with theme music—a girl appeared out of nowhere. The narrator cursed herself, but decided to add some comedy.

The girl looked down at her hands and her arms, confused. "Wait a tic, why am I not an old lady?"

Zadi rubbed her eyes. Hell's bells, this had to be the barman's fault. Maybe she accidentally ate an eyeball or something. "You know," she said, "I have the oddest feeling that there is an old-lady-limit rule." She blinked. "How do I know that?"

The strange girl shook her fist in the air, scowling. "I will smite you!"

The narrator only grinned, and waved her hand a little. "Good to see you, too."

"Er," Zadi wasn't sure how to phrase this exactly. "Who are you?"

The other girl claimed down and dusted off her shirt. "I am Cheese, of course." She said in an all-knowing voice. "Bow down before me."

"Excuse me?"

"Eh?" Cheese tilted her head to one side. "Didn't you summon me from **The Great Beyond**?"

"No."

"Oh, are you sure?"

"Positive."

* * *

><p>Musa woke up from her nap, and she felt very refreshed. Her cat, known as Soapy, jumped into her lap. Musa smiled and petted her kitty.<p>

"I thought I felt a slight disturbance, but it's probably nothing." She said out loud to an invisible audience.

The cat purred in agreement.

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><p>Nemo, somehow without the narrator knowing, snuck into the next scene change. The scene dissolved into her office. It was large, there was a cheery fire in the fireplace, and she was sitting in her large leather chair. The assassin stroked the scales of beloved pet Ro.<p>

"Hang on," she said to the iguana. "Is this when I do my evil laugh?"

Ro rolled its eyes. "_**Duh," **_it said, emphatically.

"Well, you should have told me that beforehand."

_**"I am not your mother, you can do things on your own."**_

"But I keep forgetting."

Then it was as if a camera was being backed away, the scene started to go black, when all of a sudden...

_"Mwa, ha, ha!"_

* * *

><p>The narrator struck her head on the keyboard several times more. With homework needing to be done, she glared at the word processor. "Work, damn you. Brain why you not work?"<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

****Author's Note: So, here's my two cents. I know, I know, it's nowhere near as good as Zadi's, but I did my best. ****

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><p><strong>Title<strong>: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: 1k-ish

**Written By**: Plug

**Summary**: Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Three: In Which We Have A Flashback<strong>

_We're trying to get Cheese and Plug together because we're fairly certain they have a spark._

—**Nemo**

_LIES. COMPLETE AND UTTER LIES._

—**Plug**

* * *

><p>The narrator faced a problem.<p>

For some strange reason, Zadi Kim had decided to have a nap. Now, the trusty PI was comfortably sealed in her protective circle, dreaming happy, monster-filled nightmares.

But, now, without the trusty PI to guide the story, what was the narrator to narrate?

Ah. Of course. A flashback, a memory of an event that is legendary amongst the residents of Casper Town.

It all started one fine morning…

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><p><strong>Begin Flashback<strong>

* * *

><p>The Professor walked down the street at a brisk pace. He passed the house TLWitL without a glance, and spared only one wary look for the house WaGotP. He was be-robed in, amazingly, his walking robe, and, to the complete and utter shock of every living thing in existence, he was whistling.<p>

What could have brought on such cheer? Had bad grammar been made illegal? Had Dickens been made required reading for everything that moves?

Not so. The Professor was in such a happy mood because he was on his way to buy the latest copy of his fifteenth favourite novel series, which was known as "Adventures of the Grammar Knight."

Unfortunately, his good mood was soon shattered. As he reached The Forum, his roving, alarmingly green eye fell upon a notice that was nailed upon the front door of The Forum. The Professor stopped abruptly, his mouth falling open, as he stared at the notice with great shock and surprise and bemusement and—

You get the idea.

The offending notice read: _THE WEDDING OF CHEESE AND THE PROFESSOR IS TO BE HELD ASAP, BY ASSASSINLY DECREE. —NEMO_.

The Professor huffed with great disgust at this announcement, and he marched into The Forum with an air of someone about to Make Trouble.

As it was still an early hour, The Forum was relatively quiet, with a only a few people hanging around. Ro the iguana was curled up in the corner, the barman was nowhere to be seen, and a certain assassin was sitting in a chair, scribbling something into a notebook.

Her peace was soon disturbed.

"NEMO!" the Professor said, rather loudly.

The aforementioned looked up, and smiled sweetly. "Yes, brother dear?"

The Professor brandished the poster, which he'd ripped from the door as he'd come in.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" he bellowed. For some, rather unfortunate reason, he was stuck on caps lock.

Nemo stowed her notebook and pen away neatly, and tried to resist the urge to punch the Professor in the nose. It was a little problem she had.

The Professor continued to rant for several more minutes, although even his fury didn't compel him to make a grammar error, for he knew that if such a drastic thing was done, a hole could be punched in the universe.

Nemo ignored the Professor for several minutes.

After those several minutes, there was a sudden pop, and Soapy the cat appeared on the table next to Nemo.

Now you may wonder. Soapy was Musa's pet, was she not? But, my dear, unfortunate torture vict— I mean, readers, the event that I am describing took place before the MOMENT (and yes, it has to spelt in all capitals, for when the MOMENT happened, everyone in Casper Town got stuck on caps lock). And you see, the MOMENT was the point where the pets of Casper Town were assigned their owners, along with many other fantastical happenings. But, before the MOMENT, the pets of Casper Town were mere strays, ownerless, lost without—

Right. Enough exposition.

So, Soapy appeared, and purred. Nemo looked at the cat with great delight. The assassin, talking over the Professor's protestations, said to Soapy, "Would you like to help me plan the wedding?"

Soapy purred in the affirmative.

"Brilliant!" Nemo pulled out her notebook. "I have a guest list here, and also a list of clothes. Help me pick?"

Soapy purred in the affirmative.

"NO!" the Professor roared. "I. WILL. _NOT_. MARRY CHEESE!"

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><p>Somewhere, deep in <strong>The Great Beyond<strong>, the entity known as Cheese stirred, as if her name had been called. She rose out of her bed, which looked oddly like a cracker, and she walked over to her hutch of psychotic bunnies— that is to say, she went over to her hutch of fluffy, friendly bunny rabbits. She tossed chunks of meat (no that isn't human flesh why would you think that?), muttering under her breath.

"Professor… Nemo… bunnies need… exercise…"

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><p>"And the Professor will wear a frilly tux!" Nemo declared happily.<p>

Soapy purred in the affirmative.

The Professor in question, who was pacing around The Forum restlessly, stopped, raised his finger dramatically in the air, and said, "A-HA! I WILL BANISH YOU."

Nemo didn't even look up from her scribblings. "That's nice."

Soapy purred in the affirmative.

The Professor looked at the car with a cunning eye. "You! Cat!" he said.

Soapy purred in the affirmative.

"You will help me in the banishing ritual!" he ordered.

Soapy did _not_ purr in the affirmative.

"FINE! I'll do it myself!" the Professor shouted (he was still stuck on caps lock but the narrator decided not to type all caps, for some reason known only to the narrator).

He threw off his walking robe to reveal his white magician robe.

(The narrator could not come up with a decent reason as to why he had this on when he was meant to be going to the bookshop, so the narrator has settled for a Lampshade.)

A lampshade appeared in the ceiling, directly over the Professor's head.

* * *

><p>At about this time, over at the house WaGotP, the mad scientist was happily dreaming of some glorious things.<p>

"World… domination," she mumbled. "Zombie apocalypse… create… endless minions…"

* * *

><p>The Professor, having at last set up his banishing ritual, began to read from The Book of Overcoming Nemo, an ancient tome, gifted only to the greatest keepers of eldritch lore.<p>

He chanted. Then he chanted some more. And some more. Finally, he came to the end of the spell. He named Nemo's true name, a name so terrible no one in existence ought to know it.

There was a small explosion, fog everywhere, and when the mist cleared—

Nemo was sitting there. Still chatting, calmly, to Soapy.

"Oh, this is going to be the best wedding ever!" she cried out with glee.

Soapy purred in the affirmative.

The Professor shouted in frustration, and immediately began to plan his execration.

Nemo looked at him with puzzlement. "Since when are you a magician, anyway?" she asked.

"I AM A HOST OF THOTH." he shouted back.

Nemo frowned. "Since when?" she said.

He ignored her.

* * *

><p>At about this time, the fourth wall disintegrated, over near the graveyard. A crack team of elite teddy bears immediately sprang into action, sealing the rift in seconds.<p>

No-one noticed any difference, apart maybe from the fifty or so spirits or were atomised in the fallout from the breakage. Still, who cares about people, dead or otherwise?

At last, the Professor unleashed his execration spell onto Nemo, with every intent of erasing her from existence.

All it did was ruffle her hair.

* * *

><p>Over at the house TLWitL, the old lady paused in her knitting. She frowned, suddenly looking somewhat worried, as she heard a loud explosion coming from the direction of The Forum. From a cleverly concealed pocket, she withdrew a large, shiny key, which she stared at intently for a moment. Then, she tapped it gently against the wooden table which sat front of her.<p>

After about twenty taps, she sighed and relaxed, reassured by the fact that the key was safe, and, presumably, by the fact that the door the key was a key to, remained locked.

She nodded at the key, and said to it, "That sounded like a failed execration, didn't it?"

Surprisingly, the key didn't respond, but the light from the old lady's table lamp reflected off the key in an indolent way, as if to communicate the sentiment of, _well duh_.

* * *

><p>The Professor was understandably frustrated. After all, this was the forty-third time in four months that he'd tried to execrate Nemo, and it had failed for the forty-third time in a row.<p>

He shook his fists at Nemo, ranted, before finally resolving to leave with what dignity he had left. So, he summoned a portal, and vanished.

And that's when the pack of psychotic bunnies came racing through the door.

* * *

><p>Ah, Zadi Kim is waking up now. At last, the narrator can end this flashback.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

****Author's Note: Because things happen when I get bored in class. Here's the third storyline to add to the mix. It's probably not going to be the last.****

* * *

><p><strong>Title<strong>: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: 1k or thereabouts

**Written By**: Musafreen

**Summary**: Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four: The Iguana Chronicles Part 1: PI on the Block<strong>

_I have a funny feeling that this is going to end badly for the iguana._

—**Ro**

* * *

><p>The story of Zadi Kim is, of course, of primary importance. Her questioning and her reasoning, both acts which should preferably performed well away from Caspar Town, is what sets the current chain of events in motion. Every story must have a point of origin, after all.<p>

(The massive number of dead bodies and the incestuous relationships came into being long before Zadi Kims' time, however. It comes with the territory.)

Anyway, the point here is this. While Zadi (who is currently waking up from a flashback-induced slumber) and her actions require chronicling, there are other people in Casper Town whose sanities are under comparable, if not equal, stress.

Pray, direct your attention to the shady spot under the PIs' conspicuous black car. You might catch a glimpse of a sleek, lizardlike body topped off with flexible spikes…

While Ro the twice-born iguana might retain lizardly characteristics, it might be wiser to assert that she is not, in fact, an iguana. According to the primary source of random information on the cyberspace of the world past across Casper Town, an iguana is a kind of herbivorous lizard native to the Central Americas. Ro is native to Casper Town, which naturally screwed up everything else on the list.

She is presumably not herbivorous, and she is a lizard only by way of random chance. If for instance, somebody on a forum had said 'duck-billed platypus' instead of 'iguana', she would have been a duck-billed platypus. In addition to this, Ro is the only reptilian thing we know of with superpowers. By some strange dint of time, she was born twice. Possibly because of this, the iguana can swim through and exert pressure on temporal waters.

In a strange Town where the lake spits out bodies of dead tourists and the mad scientist cackles well into the night (we presume the glompworthy little thing with the glasses who opens the door is the scientists' naïve little assistant), and even the assumed sanity of the PI is coming under question, the iguana remains the one shining beacon for all that is good and right. Not because she wants to, and definitely not because she has a Hero Complex.

The iguana is the resident Casper Town Superhero, because some old lady said so.

* * *

><p>Up to the point where she saw the Car, Ro the iguana was having a perfectly normal day. She woke up in the house shrouded with black shadows, and helped the assassin pack (which is to say, randomly throw things into) a duffle bag. It consisted of, among other things, various items of over-sharpened cutlery and things which were likely to go boom at the slightest provocation. The only object which was carefully placed rather than haphazardly thrown in was a purple and black wedding planner. With sparkles.<p>

It has the words 'Plug hearts Cheese' on it.

The planner has been through a lot. The edges are singed, the pages are strewn with desperate tears. There are periodic rust-brown blood splatters from where the assassin tried to multitask and brought the thing to work. It is also far from new (it might have been conceived sometime back, possibly during a flashback), and has since then resisted attempts at any kind of practical implementation. This, however, has not stopped Nemo from trying.

Assassins, after all, never say die.

They prefer 'efface'.

There's more of a professional ring to it.

* * *

><p>Moving on, while Ro the twice-born iguana, by virtue of being twice-born, was also in the House TLWitL.<p>

In here, the air is so vastly different from the atmosphere in the assassin's place that someone might have cause to worry about the iguana getting cross-eyed. There's wood and dramatic lighting and cozy lighting and a bookshelf. There's a kitchen, and there is chocolate cake cooling on the counter. There is a smell permeating the air, that might pass for old-lady if you don't stop to examine it too closely.

And there are quilts. There are lots and lots of quilts. In contrast to the cheery décor, the quilts are Hallows' Eve themes. There are ravens and witches and jack-o-lanterns and a general impression of there having been a discount sale on black wool.

The other quilts the old lady quilts, which the people in the street usually see her knitting, are in the basement. They are the ones with the sunshine and puppies and rainbows, all bright colors in migrane-enducing combinations. The diplomatic observer might call them garish, but the old lady has, over time, developed a soft spot for the things. Mostly because the Eldritch Abominations forever trying to get out her basement grow pale at the sight of them.

Ro is in the basement. She's helping Musa Guard The Universe by of spreading a kitten-infested yellow quilt over a Hellmouth entrance, and having a strange sense of déjà vu.

This is because the basement is eerily familiar to the basement in the House WaGotP.

Oh sure, there are a few things most people would call notably different. For instance, the knick-knack of knitting needles instead of the maniacal laughter. There's equipment for torturing eldritch creatures instead of the equipment from the glassblower with the hiccups. There are snippets of string and bits of cloth instead of the occasional dismembered... something. Indeed, at first glace, the two basements don't look similar at all.

(Well, except for the blood splatters on the floor, but the only thing unusual in Casper town would be finding a house _without_ said splatters.)

(Zadi hasn't discovered this yet. At the moment, like any self-respecting Film Noir detective, she knows blood splatters are important clues. She will soon learn otherwise, of course; it's the entrails you have to look out for.)

Ro, however, is a Superhero. Superheroes know these things. They're instincts are wired in favor of the strange, although sometimes they miss the strange directly in connection to them. Ro is one of the rare heroes who don't.

The basements are similar because they have the same vibe of greys and blacks and badly-brewed coffee hanging over them. Also, they serve as origin points for creatures we should probably shush up about because they might hear-

The old lady sighs, and waves a hand.

* * *

><p><strong>Sudden and Inexplicable Scene Change Later<strong>

* * *

><p>So.<p>

There's a car.

There is a PI in the car.

The PI is relatively sane. For now.

This is possibly one of the reasons she has received telepathic marriage proposals from many Casper Town residents. However, being sane, she declined all of them.

Despite her attempts at time-bending her into agreeing (there is so much less bloodshed if they all just go along with the madness), Ro is mildly impressed. Insanity, she'd discovered long ago, is contagious enough to make chicken pox grow hives with envy. Resistance may be futile, but is therefore also stupidly brave. Being a Superhero, she has a thing for stupidly brave people.

So Ro Keeps Zadi company. Watches. Waits. Sticks her tongue out and sees how far it will go before she has to pull it back in.

Three hours later, she decides that she's bored, that the whole stakeout gig is overrated and that it's about time she checked into Cendi's basement, anyway. Maybe it'll up the interest quotient of the day.

Ro sticks her head out into the shade, tastes the air with her tongue, and hops off towards the House WaGotP, hoping to find find dismembered body parts, suspicious stains, or maybe a catch a sliver of an evil laugh.

* * *

><p>She vanishes into the distance, and Zadi Kim cautiously looks up from her coffee cup.<p>

Even the iguanas in this town are strange.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: And here be the long awaited Chapter 5. There's a reference in there to one of my own fics. Enjoy.**

* * *

><p><strong>Title:<strong> Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count:** 2k-ish

**Written By:** The first few paragraphs were by Zadi, but Plug did the rest.

**Summary:** Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four: In Which We Have A Contract, An Introduction, And A Recognition.<strong>

_OH AND MARZ NEEDS TO BE IN THE HOODVERSE._

_BECAUSE HE'S AWESOME._

_—Cendi_

* * *

><p>Zadi got the distinct feeling that parts of her life were being skipped through by several drastic and dramatic scene changes. And that she was being watched by people of various ethnicities, giggling at her every move. They were staring at her, stalking, and following other poor people.<p>

She scoffed at herself for being so paranoid, and then propped her feet up on her desk, fishing through her mail. Bills, bills, a letter from someone's lawyer, bills, three marriage proposals, bills… Like the life of any Noire PI, times were tough, but that could be blamed on the economy (which was why the setting was in American English).

With her hat tipped over her head, and sleeves rolled up to her elbows, Zadi fitted the image of a classical detective. All she needed now was the internal monologue, and the deep and mysterious backstory.

Her office was a dank place filled with cobwebs, shadows, and a crappy AC that barely made the dust move. Her desk was something that she picked up at a yard sale, and a large swirly chair that she swiped from her parents'. A rusty filing cabinet was leaned up against one wall, papers bursting to split the metal seams apart.

In short, it was a very cliche setting for a PI. Please don't tell Zadi that, she was so proud of buying the place. It would break her heart.

She was about to start the dreaded monologue when the door opened. The bell attached to it rung, and Zadi put the papers down to see her newest client. Her smile became a scowl. "Professor. By all means, you have got to be kidding me."

The Professor gave her a hearty wave, and one of his round eyes twitched. "Hello, there. I have a marriage problem."

Zadi only raised an eyebrow to a height that was possible only in fiction. "Eh?"

The Professor walked into the room slowly, looking around. He pulled up a chair, sitting down gingerly. He took a breath, and spoke.

"I believe you've heard of she who they call Nemo?"

Zadi frowned a PI frown. She stood up, and walked over to her filing cabinet.

"Nemo…" she muttered. "Rings a bell."

Indeed, the name rang a bell in her mind, but it was only a doorbell, at this stage. She rifled through her files, going about it in an urgent way, even though she didn't need to. After all, all good PIs have to be urgent.

The bell in her head moved up through several levels, finally hitting a crescendo as a church bell, as she found the file on Nemo. She pulled it out, and turned to one side in a dramatic fashion.

"Nemo. Yes, I know who she is," she murmured.

The Professor nodded. "Rumour has it she's some kind of assassin. She does hits on… things," he said.

Zadi nodded dismissively. "Yes. I have all that here. Get to the point."

The Professor sighed, coughed, and generally displayed signs indicative of being uneasy. Finally, he got to the point.

"Well, you see, this Nemo person happens to be my, ah, my… sister," he said, spitting out the last word hurriedly.

Zadi frowned, again, and sat down, scribbling a note on Nemo's file. The note looked suspiciously like "Investigate genealogical links between leprechauns and clownfish".

The Professor went on. "We reunited recently, and she has plans for me. Marriage plans."

Zadi looked up at him sharply. She could practically hear the dramatic note of music ringing through the air as she stared at the Professor.

He opened his mouth to continue, and—

* * *

><p><em><strong>Meanwhile.<strong>_

* * *

><p>At the edge of town, the temporal gates which separated Casper Town from the great space called Reality, opened suddenly. A swirling vortex appeared, and through it walked a man, and a curious-looking man, at that.<p>

He stared around with a bemused air, as the gates shut behind him. He was an owlish sort of fellow, with a long grey beard and a pair of spectacles. Under his left arm he had a diary slightly bigger than most dictionaries. He opened it, to check some time or date, and the writing inside was slightly smaller than your average ant. Clearly, this was a busy fellow.

He began strolling further into the town, closing his tome of a diary, and pulling out an iPhone. After gazing at it pensively for a moment, he turned it on, and opened up his iMessages. There were many messages from a certain Professor, and most of them were along the lines of:

_You must come to Casper Town!_

_Please come, I need someone to whom I can talk about literature._

_GET TO CASPER TOWN NOW PLEASE._

He sighed, smiling slightly, and put away the phone. By this time, he had reached the House that Looks Warped in the Light. He paused, and looked up at the porch of that House. Musa the old lady was sitting there, knitting yet another demon barr— that is to say, another blanket.

She glanced up from her needles and caught sight of the owlish fellow in the street. Her eyes brightened as she saw him, and, for the first time since the Skinwalker Incident, she put down her knitting, and walked to the gate of the front yard.

* * *

><p>Zadi blinked, then scowled, as she unfroze.<p>

"What was that?" the Professor asked curiously, taking out a large green notepad to write down his observations of the strange occurrence.

Zadi rolled her eyes. "Nothing of importance. It was just my life getting put on pause for a moment. It happens all the time. I blame the iguana," she explained.

She sat back in her swirly chair, gesturing at the Professor to go on explaining his problem. He obeyed.

"Nemo wants to marry me to a, ah, person, by the name of Cheese."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Another Drastic and Suspenseful Scene Change<strong>_

* * *

><p>The very temporal fabric of Casper Town seemed to ripple in surprise as the old lady spent several minutes in cheerful conversation with the mysterious newcomer. Finally, Musa bade him goodbye with a laugh and a wave, two things not seen from the old lady since the Dresden-Grilnaf Occurrence.<p>

The owlish man made his way to the town notice board, in the hope of finding some place he could stay without being at risk of being eaten. Unfortunately, when he reached the notice board, he found such a thing was impossible, and so settled for a lodging where the risk of grievous bodily harm was only 50:50.

He found an advertisement, and, finding it reasonably satisfactory, went to the address. The advertisement was written in a scribbled, Rattman-ish way, and read:

_Spare room available at the House with the Gargoyle on the Porch. Low risk of combustion, cannibalism, and associated dangers. Applicants must bring their own minions._

* * *

><p>Zadi was getting increasingly worried. The Professor explained how Nemo had a top-secret wedding planner book that everyone knew about, and that it was being used to plan the marriage of the Professor and Cheese. Zadi had a deep-seated feeling that whatever the Professor wanted her to do was Not Good.<p>

After many perambulations and digressions, all of which took up a great deal of time, the Professor came to what exactly he wanted. Or rather, Wanted.

"I need you to help me steal and destroy Nemo's wedding planner," he said dramatically.

Zadi was sure she heard a few notes of appropriately dramatic music ring in the air as she sat forward in her best "let's make a deal" fashion. She glared at the Professor, making it clear she was going to drive a hard bargain.

"And what are you prepared," she said, in a low voice, "to give me in return?"

The Professor consulted his notes, which appeared to be written in a style typical of the site TVTropes. He frowned, before saying, "I don't know. Depends on what you want, and what I can give."

* * *

><p>The newcomer reached his place of lodging. He looked with some approval upon the gargoyle, and knocked on the door in a mild, gentle fashion. He heard several crashes from behind the door, a few bangs, and one hearty THUMP. Finally, the door opened, and a wholly adorable-looking person, with large round eyes and almost cartoon-like clothes, peered out cautiously. A spark of recognition passed through the person's eyes as they rested on the man, and she opened the door fully.<p>

He explained why he had come, producing the leaflet which he'd taken from the notice board. Within moments, he was ushered into the house, and up to his new room. The door closed with a disproportionately loud CLANG.

After the prerequisite haggling over terms, agreements, and general details, Zadi and the Professor came to a deal.

"So," the PI said in a summarising sort of way. "I help you get this planner from Nemo, and you help me with my investigations in this town."

The Professor nodded, and shook Zadi's hand in a solemn manner. Then, he stared abruptly into space and said. "He's here."

With that, the leprechaun professor vanished.

Zadi relaxed in her seat, considering the events of the last half-hour. She felt some vague sense of satisfaction, and thought that maybe, just maybe, she was going to get a handle on this case.

Poor thing.

* * *

><p>The Professor appeared outside the House with a Gargoyle on the Porch. He went up to the door, and, after a moment of hesitation, knocked upon it.<p>

The door opened, and the same glompworthy person that had appeared previously peered out. She narrowed her eyes and looked at the Professor intently, who quailed slightly, but kept his nerve.

"I'm here to see the new arrival in town," he said. "Please can I see him?"

The fact that the Professor said "please" was such an event that it caused a minor fracture in the fourth wall. Still, the adorable and clearly harmless little person nodded, and led the Professor up to the room of the owlish fellow.

The Professor walked into that room with a rare smile and a wave. He looked at the man, who was sitting at a computer, furiously typing out something to do with the arcane mysteries of subrogation, and said, in a shockingly cheery tone:

"Marz, my old friend! How _are_ you?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Meh. This is kind of more of a serious chapter. I had the plot bunny and I needed to get it out of my head. Please don't hate it. **

**Title:** Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count:** 1k-ish

**Written By:** Plug

**Summary:** Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Six: Genesis<strong>

_I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY AND JUST SMILE AND NOD IF YOU ENCOUNTER TOO MUCH INSANITY. _

—****Cheese****

* * *

><p>The Professor lifted the great tome down from the shelf with a reverential air. He laid it onto the mahogany table in front of Zadi, and handed her a pair of gloves. She nearly tossed them away in indignation and cliche PI indolence, but she remembered the soul-erasing capabilities of the thesauri that lay upon a nearby windowsill. She put the gloves on, gingerly, and opened what the Professor had called The Book.<p>

It had a dark red binding, and various eldritch symbols were traced all over that binding. It was big, some 2,000 pages of fine print, and the superscription upon the first page of The Book read: "A History And Account Of The Events Known To Have Taken Place In The Pocket Of The Nevernever/Duat Known As Casper Town. Edited By The Professor."

Zadi hesitated slightly. She'd bargained with the Professor last week, when he'd come to her office. Now, after much prodding, he'd agreed to bring her up to his mansion and show her The Book. Zadi had heard tell of The Book in many dark, shadowy, and typically unsavoury corners of Casper Town. It was said to contain many a dark secret on the nature of the Town.

The Professor gestured at her impatiently to go on. He had an appointment with the spirit of Dickens' biographer at 15 o'clock, and it was already pushing 14 o'clock.

Zadi took a gulp, and, with true PI tenacity, she opened The Book.

* * *

><p><em>The following passages have been reformatted and rephrased for publication. Many strange and incomprehensible expressions, such as "Y U NO", "attackleglomp", and "XD", were to be found in the original text, and have been translated or removed for ease of comprehension._

* * *

><p>The story of Casper Town is long and terrible. Much blood was spilt in the formation of the town. Many lives were lost in sealing the gates between the Hellmouth and Reality. No one knows for how long the dark powers of the demons can be held back, but we can but hope.<p>

The Town was founded in the far distant past, by she whom they call Musa. Believed by some to be descended from the ancient magician called Moses, she sealed the opening of the Hellmouth in a great battle against the Ancient Beast, and, in the great overflow of energy, accidentally created the pocket in the Nevernever/Duat known as Casper Town. This is a place where the impossible is all that is possible, and the normal is the unimaginable.

She found herself sealed into the Town, and, after making many futile attempts to escape, she resigned herself to her fate. She built the House that Looks Warped in the Light, and devoted the rest of her existence to holding back the dark powers.

After many quiet years, she was quite shocked when, one eldritch day, the gates to Reality opened with a rumble. She jumped up, raising her staff over her head, preparing to banish the intruder, when a girl fell through the gate.

Musa looked puzzled, and lowered her staff. She watched with interest as the girl stood up, dusted herself down, and looked around with amazement. The girl caught sight of Musa, and smiled. She came over to the Gatekeeper, and said hello.

It seemed the girl, whose name was Nemo, had stumbled into Casper Town by accident, while she'd been exploring her local library. She stayed in conversation with Musa for many minutes, not realising that, as she talked, her very existence was bending and changing.

Nemo went off on her way, erecting buildings and castles in the air. A short time later, the gate opened slightly, and deposited two more beings into Casper Town.

Musa frowned slightly, thinking. She wasn't entirely sure if all these people would be able to get back out of the Town. Still, they seemed rather insane, so perhaps they'd be happy to leave Reality. Furthermore, the presence of more magical beings was helpful to keeping the seal upon the Hellmouth as tight as could be.

The two new victims— that is to say, residents, of Casper Town, looked around curiously. One of the newcomers had red hair, a long coat, and a large book under one arm. The other was short, clutching some kind of computer, and looked like something straight out of an anime.

They glanced at each other, scowling. After a moment of glaring, they made their way towards Musa, who was beginning to feel like one of those people who welcome tourists to a popular attraction.

They introduced themselves as the Professor and Cendi. They argued with each other, and managed to explain to Musa that they'd both been at a developer conference back in Reality. Whilst they'd been arguing over the best way to encode a XHTML CSS homepage, some strange vortex had opened, pulling them into Casper Town.

This anecdote would go down in the folklore of the Town, and the people would say that Cendi and the Professor were the only people in the Town who had been arguing with each other even _before_ their arrival into the Town.

They both went on their way, exploring the Town. Time passed, and Cendi built the House with the Gargoyle on the Porch in a matter of hours, though it didn't have the Gargoyle then. That's another story entirely.

The Professor went to the hill in the Town, and soon set to designing his mansion. He was already quite enamoured with the strangeness of the Town, and had determined to stay there for all his days.

The next day (not that time in Casper Town is measured in days, it's actually measured in deaths, but we won't delve into that just now), another entity entered the Town. This was a being beyond all logic, a being so vast in her supposed awesomeness that the Town could hardly contain it.

This entity was known as Cheese, and he/she/it was so powerful, Musa had no choice to create another ethereal compartment in the magical realm to contain him/her/it. This new compartment would come to be known as The Great Beyond.

Over the next few months, many more poor souls found their way into the Town. It was a motley assortment of people: everyone from Gloss the ice cream store owner, who had very strange flavours, to the cat, Soapy, who had a thing for purring in the affirmative. All the newcomers formed various shaky alliances, agreeing not to brutally murder one another, and nice things like that.

Most of them built themselves houses, though some found their very constitution being warped, as they were transmogrified into what the residents call "pets".

Musa was rather pleased with all the people, for it created an air of ambient magic, which allowed her to increase the security on the Hellmouth.

However, there was always a little lingering question in the old lady's mind, about _how_ exactly the people had gotten to Casper Town, and _why_ they'd stayed. It is a question that may well be never answered, but the compilers of this history believe that all those who were sucked into the Town were already quite insane themselves, and the Town simply picked them out.

As to why they chose to stay, well, that is a far deeper question. We believe that the answer lies in the Dark Fog of—

* * *

><p>The Professor tugged the book out of Zadi's hands, cutting her off just at the best part, as of course he was bound to do by that thing known as Plot. He muttered something about needing to get to his appointment, and hurried off.<p>

Zadi sat pensively in the leather-backed armchair, gazing at the fire that the Professor kept stoked all year round, expressly for the purpose of having a fire to stare into at any moment.

She considered her findings, nodding to herself. She felt quite satisfied that Progress Was Being Made.

Silly thing. She just doesn't learn, does she?


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count:** 4k-ish

**Written By:** Cheese

**Summary:** Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seven: I, Paper Bag<strong>

_Cheese, all I can say is: lolwut._

_—_**Plug**

* * *

><p><em>It was a dark and stormy night-<em>

"What the hell?" the narrator exclaimed out loud. Their keyboard had stopped working, and words they typed no longer appeared on the screen.

They poked a few letters again.

Nothing happened.

Moving on to the second phase of a phenomenon researchers called "Howusn00busfixuscomputerus", they began bashing the keyboard.

When that didn't work, they moved into phase three, which involved screaming several profanities at the screen. "** you, **! ** **! You're more of a ** than Sydney! And Nemo, turn the ** profanity filter off!"

The computer did not seem to appreciate the dexterity of language the narrator was displaying, refusing to acknowledge their presence at all.

Phase four passed, with the narrator pressing down the power button and waiting impatiently for the computer to shut down.

The computer did nothing, the screen resolutely displaying the same half-written word document that it had for quite a while now.

Phase five was beginning, the narrator picking up the monitor, ready to chuck it dramatically out of the window, when suddenly-

_Testing, testing, one, two, three._

Words had suddenly appeared on-screen.

The narrator gasped. They certainly didn't remember typing that.

_Hello, lowly mortal. We come in peas._

What the hell? If they had not had gained a certain degree of immunity from their continued exposure to Casper Town, then they'd probably have run out of the room, gibbering about computers that typed by themselves by now. However, since they had, all they did was splutter at the screen.

"Who are you?" And then, as an afterthought, "Peas? Do you mean peace?"

_Ah. Yes. We thought there was something a little off._

_And who are we? We are... everywhere. We are the foundations of society as you know it. We are the ones that keep everything running smoothly._

_But no one appreciates us._

"Hey, uh, you're not quite answering my question," the narrator said, feeling slightly stupid talking to a computer screen.

_We are..._

The narrator waited.

And waited a bit longer.

And a bit more.

"Hey, are-"

_**SHUT UP THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BUILD UP TENSION.**_

The words were all in caps, underlined, bolded, italicised and also in bright red for good measure.

Then,

_Oh, and could you put on some dramatic music?_

For some reason, the narrator felt complied to oblige. Perhaps because they acknowledged that any entity powerful enough to take control of their computer was, well, pretty powerful.

They picked up their phone, and scrolled through the list of music.

"This okay?"

_O Fortuna_ blared through the room.

_Perfect!_

_Well, then, we are..._

_Plastic bags._

The narrator stared at the screen.

"I'm sorry, but is the autocorrect screwing up? Because I just saw the words 'plastic bags' on the screen."

_Oh. Sorry. It did. ** the Ghost of Lucretia Black._

_We meant paper bags._

"Autocorrect again? Because 'paper bags' is what I'm seeing..."

_No. We are paper bags._

"What the ** hell?" On the scale of insanity, from sane to Cheese, this was definitely tending towards the dairy product.

"So you're saying paper bags took over my computer? How is that even possible?"

The phrases _Magic_, _Creative license _and _Because it just works, so stfu_ appeared on-screen one by one before being deleted.

_Because of temporal stationary waves processing at a constant acceleration magnetizing protrusion matrices dominating tetrahedral planar carboxylic intoxication molecules integration anatomical aerobic exponentially combustion enthalpy atomisation polarised._

"Oh, well, that seems... reasonable." Like most people, hearing scientific jargon put the narrator's mind to rest. "But what do you want?"

_We want recognition. People abuse us every day, and we're never appreciated. We need our voice heard. However, we are not powerful enough to take over the world just yet. We needed to find somewhere which straddled reality and insanity to start. Hence, we want one of us to take over the role of narrator for this chapter. At least a few people will read it, which, in turn will mean we have more recognition and more power, and then we'll be able to expand into slightly, but only slightly, less fictional places, like Fox News. Makes sense?_

"No offense, but not really. It's like you're just trying to justify— and not very well—why a paper bag should narrate this story."

A lampshade appeared.

A lampshade lampshading the fact that there was a lampshade appeared.

A lampshade lampshading the fact that there was a lampshade of a lampshade appeared, and so on, until a lampshade lampshading there fact there was a lampshade (of a lampshade)^infinity appeared.

_Look behind you, _

was the only response._  
><em>

The narrator did so.

An empty and crumpled McDonalds paper bag lay on a table.

For some reason, the creases made it look like it was glaring at the narrator.

They turned back to the computer.

_Look to your right._

There, on the floor, lay a paper bag that they'd used for goodness knows what. It wore a similar look to the MacDonalds one.

_Look to your left._

"Oh, fine! You can have this chapter! Just leave me alone!"

* * *

><p><strong>PAPER BAG POV<strong>

"I'll take the assorted mix, please," the girl said.

"Coming right up, Cheese," the sometimes-barman replied cheerfully, picking me up with one hand. Using the other, he scooped a handful of pink meat from a large vat up.

I felt the wet and slimy meat slide within me.

He then weighed me before handing me to the girl. I think she frowned a bit when she noticed me. Or maybe I was imagining things, which I had been expecting. Living in this town costs you your sanity, apparently; before you know it, hallucinations appear, alongside voices inside your head, you start to require the Professor's obese (but let's just refer to her as "large", since she's quite sensitive about her weight) dictionary to recall the definition of "sanity", and inanimate objects begin to talk.

"That will be twelve trias, please."

"Oh, come on! That's a ripoff," the girl. protested. "Last week you gave it to me for five. Myself, it's like I wrote a song and rhymed your name immaturely or something."

"Nah, it's just that I haven't had many deliveries lately, so prices have gone up."

Cheese raised an eyebrow. Or at least tried to. And failed. Miserably. But, as not to venture into OOC-land, she still had an aura of awesomeness. "Huh. That's weird. Maybe Cindy's been slacking. Or Tard. Or Sydney. But still, twelve dollars. I don't have that sort of money on me. World domination is a costly thing to invest in. NOT THAT I WOULD DO SUCH A THING WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT," she said, in a hoping-the-readers-of-this-story-wouldn't-pick-up-on-her-secret-plans-that-nobody-knew-about way.

* * *

><p><strong>BUILDING WORK IN PROGRESS.<strong>

**WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.**

**PLEASE RETURN TO THE STORY IN A FEW MINUTES, WHEN THE FOURTH WALL HAS BEEN REPAIRED.**

* * *

><p>He paused for a moment. "Ten," he decided.<p>

"Six."

"Eight."

"Seven."

"Seven fifty."

"Seven twenty-five."

"Seven thirty-seven point five."

"Seven thirty-one point two five."

"Seven thirty-four point three seven five."

"Done." Cheese counted out the money, took me and walked out of the morgue.

And bumped into a blonde-haired girl with eyes that constantly changed from green to blue (grue?). She was wheeling a wheelbarrow, covered with a red sheet, though I had a suspicion that the sheet used to be white. I could see an arm sticking out. It looked pretty dead and a little nibbled on.

"Whore, I need to ask you about-"

"It's not Whore for another... five hours and fifteen minutes," the girl corrected in a tone, well three tones actually, as she was singing in harmony/shamelessly ripping off _Maskerade_. "For now it's Sydney."

"Alright, Sydney, then. Do you know what's been going on with the bodies? Apparently there's not been as many deliveries as there used to be..."

At this, Sydney's expression changed to one of indescribable sadness, and I could somehow hear sad violin music.

"Alas, this is true! I cannot seem to find the number of bodies I was once able to! I do not know why! I feel so upset! Oh, this is a worse tragedy than my Tragic Past! And my Tragic Past was truly tragic! That's why it's capitalised!"

Cheese patted Sydney awkwardly as she was lost in her sobs, said a few cliché things about how it would get better soon, and the death rates would pick up again soon enough, before making an excuse about feeding time, vanishing dramatically (complete with theme music) to **The Great Beyond**, along with me.

* * *

><p>In a second, we had arrived. She immediately walked over to a huge hutch, taking me with her. I could see several bunnies bunnying about in a bunnyish manner.<p>

"Darlings, it's dinnertime!" Cheese announced lovingly, emptying my contents into the hutch.

For a moment, it was as if time stood still. The cute bunnies froze, noses sniffing. Then they all lunged for the meat, shoving each other out of the way in order to reach their food. Eyes turned red, claws lengthened, and the sounds of flesh tearing and chewing filled the room.

"Aww, aren't they sweet!" Cheese remarked.

Then she turned to me.

Her face was cold.

There was a hint of sunlight through the drawn curtains, so she also sparkled menacingly.

"I have a few things to clarify with you, paper bag." The last words were spat out angrily, and I couldn't help myself wishing desperately for legs, or any other method I could have used for a quick getaway, really.

"I know what you paper bags are trying to do, because I know all. You have a wish to take over the whole world," she continued. "But that's not going to happen, okay? Because that's my job. If I haven't scared you enough already, it's obvious that I have better qualities to be a villain than you. I have minions, a British accent, insanity, and also an evil laugh... MUAHAHAHAHA—urgh..." She had a coughing fit. "Dammit! I think I'll have to ask Cindy how she does it," she said, more to herself than me. "The point is I'd be better at ruling the world than you. Give up. "

With that, she dumped me into a bin and shut the lid.

* * *

><p>It was dark in here. Really dark. Really, really dark. Really, really, really dark. Really, really, really, really dark.<p>

You get the point.

I could vaguely hear Cheese's mutterings, and her failed attempts to do evil laughs.

It was still dark.

* * *

><p>I felt like I'd just jumped forward in time, for some reason. Anyway, at the moment, it was dark. And silent. I think Cheese had gone out.<p>

Suddenly, I heard a crash, and new voices entered the room.

"Why are we going to the great beyond, Zadi?"

"It's **The Great Beyond**. Pronounce the capitals, please, minio—Leaf. To understand this mysterious town, we shall have to integrate with the citizens."

Helpfully, they had said each other's names, making it easier for me to tell the readers which was speaking.

"The Great Beyond," Leaf tried again.

"Better, but try it with bold next time. Now, where were we again... ah... perfect!" Zadi exclaimed, and the sound of their conversion suddenly grew louder as the lid was lifted up and light flooded into the room. I saw two people in coats peer inside.

"Excuse me, but why are we coming to **The Great Beyond**—"

"That's pretty good, I thought I even heard some ominous music then."

"—to look in a bin?"

Zadi frowned. "I explained this when we left my apartment."

"I know, but I just feel like hearing it again."

Zadi's eyes widened with recognition. "Ah, you've got the exposition bug."

"What's that?"

"Sometimes, people in this town get inexplicable urges to explain clearly what they're doing, as if they're in a story and the reader doesn't know what's going on, so their actions must be explained."

"Oh... this town is weird."

"Lucky you stumbled into me, then. I'm the only sane person here." Zadi looked into the distance and lonely music stared playing.

"So what was our reason for coming here?" the other girl asked, interrupting Zadi's angsting session.

Zadi glared at her minio—assistant. She had thought her lonely gaze was pretty good, if she said so herself. "Because we're searching through everyone's trash can to uncover any evidence that may help us understand the mysteries this town holds. Cheese is currently out, giving her bunnies a bit of fresh air. Taking this opportunity, we're looking through her bin. Hmm. So do you have any suggestions of objects in here that may count as Clues?"

"Maybe that huge book there- I think she threw it away because something had half-chewed it, but I think we could still read some of it- called _The Answers to Every Mysterious Happening in Casper Town_?"

Zadi sighed. "No, Leaf! It's this paper bag." Putting on a glove, she reached into the bin and pulled me out. "It has bloodstains. And bloodstains are always Clues."

"Oh, got it."

Zadi put me in a clear plastic bag and shoved me into a pocket, though I could still see out of it a little.

"We can go back to my lab and analyse the blood, and see what that reveals to us."

"We don't have a lab..."

"Ah. Right... well..."

"The House with the Gargoyle on the Porch has one, I think," Leaf suggested.

Zadi gulped. "But that contains Cendi. I haven't been able to catch sight of this elusive mad scientist yet, but have heard rumors about the horror she incites. But... this might be a true Clue... I think that we should go. Ignore our fear and the ominous foreboding for the sake of detectiving!"

With that, she strode out of the broken down door she had come from, Leaf running to catch up.

* * *

><p>As they walked down the main street, I again had a feeling that I had jumped ahead in time. I caught sight of Cheese again and tried to hide myself.<p>

However, as we passed, I could see that I didn't need to, as she was deep in argument with a red-haired leprechaun, her bunnies next to her looking adorable. I heard the words "Apple", "sucks", "RAM", "quality", "if you don't agree then my psychotic bunnies will be forced to kill you", "I am not afraid, I have my demonic thesauruses", but we walked on before I could hear anymore.

"I never knew you could get ice-cream flavours like that," Leaf said, looking at a sign.

"Insanity, remember?"

"Oh."

"So let's review your progress in learning how to be a P.I.," Zadi suggested as they walked.

"Okay."

"What's the most important thing about being a detective?"

"That you have a long coat. Also, a hat if you can find one."

"What should you say instead of 'No shit, Sherlock'?"

"No crap, Kim."

"What is the proper way to pronounce 'clues'?"

"Clues. With a capital C."

"What is the best way of doing investigative work?"

"By not using Google, and, instead, poke your nose into everyone's business and ask a lot of questions."

Zadi nodded approvingly. "You've improved. Now, just one more question. What are bloodstains?"

"Clues. Always clues."

Zadi gasped.

"I mean Clues!"

"That's better. You know, I think that you actually might be able to emulate my successes one day."

Leaf beamed. "Oh, look. We've coincidentally finished the quiz just as we've arrived at the front of the House with a Gargoyle on the Porch!"

And indeed, we were there.

I gave a shiver. Well, metaphorically. Above the house, and only above the house, was a storm cloud. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed, and I swore I could hear a wolf howl. However, the front garden was quite pretty, with flowers I could name growing all over. At the moment, it was also holding an adorable—rivalling the bunnies in adorableness—girl, who looked like she had come straight out of an anime. I was half-expecting her to be flat when she turned sideways. She was talking "anime"tedly (ha ha, geddit... nevermind) to an old woman, sitting on a mobility scooter, who smiled and nodded at her words, at the same time knitting almost automatically.

The metal needles flashed in the sunlight. They looked rather pointy, and was that blood at the tips...?

"Uh, excuse me," Zadi asked nervously.

They both turned to face her.

"I was looking for Cendi..."

"What do you want from her?" the cute one asked.

"I was just wondering... could she let me borrow her lab for a while...?"

"Why?"

"I just need to conduct some blood tests..."

"Cendi doesn't let just anyone in her lab," the old one explained.

"Ah... well then..." Zadi frowned. She seemed to be stuck in ellipsis mode.

"I'll do it for you," the little one said. "Haven't done a blood test for ages. I'll only be a minute."

"Well... if it's okay... just... you're her assistant, right? If you don't tell Cendi about this, it'll be good..." Zadi said, pulling me out of her pocket and then the plastic bag.

The small one laughed. So did the one with the knitting needles.

They looked at each other.

And laughed some more.

Zadi and Leaf joined in, purely because they felt awkward.

This made the other two laugh even more.

Hands shaking from laughing so hard, the little assistant reached for me. She took an instrument of some kind from her pocket and scraped a bit of the remnants of dried blood from me, handed me back to Zadi and went into the house.

The door closed with an obligatory boom.

Zadi and Leaf were then left standing there in awkward silence, as the old woman immersed herself in her knitting, the needles clicking.

"So..." Zadi said. "Um..."

"Stuck in ellipsis mode, Zadi?" the old woman asked sympathetically.

"Uh... yes..."

"Nothing I can do to help, I'm afraid. You'll just have to wait for it to fade. The town does things like this to you. I remember when Gloss was stuck in chtspk mode. I don't think I'd ever seen Plug so frustrated." She gave a chuckle, still knitting.

"Musa!" called a voice, and a bespectacled man standing at the now-open door of the House WtGotP came down the path. "Good to see you here."

"Hello, Marz. Yes, I just stopped to have a little chat with Cendi."

"Ah. I must say, you're doing a fine job with mending the cracks between here and reality. Though Cendi has been complaining about a lack of new people to do her experiments on—oh, hello," he said, noticing the P.I. and her minio—assistant.

They both looked stunned, and so was I. Here was a famous author, standing right in front of them, talking, walking, breathing. What on earth was he doing in Casper Town?

This was the point at which Cendi's assistant came back. "Blood belonged to John Doe. Died of natural causes." I don't think Zadi or Leaf heard her next words, which were muttered quietly, though: "But that depends on what you define 'natural causes' to be."

Zadi looked disappointed, but only slightly. "Oh. Well, thanks for your time... let's go, Leaf..."

They walked away, and when Zadi was sure they were out of earshot, checking back to make sure, she said, "I believe that that was a Clue! I think Marz revealed more than he may have ought..."

"Great thinking, Zadi. I think we're onto something here!" Leaf agreed.

"Hmm... I think I shall ponder about his words tonight... I'll probably fall asleep and have a dream which makes me realise the meaning behind them," Zadi said, stroking her imaginary beard. "Pity about the bag. I thought that it might have been a major Clue... Oh well..." And she dropped me to the floor, walking away with Leaf, excitedly discussing different interpretations.

I lay there, for a while. An iguana came and poked me with its tongue, before becoming bored and vanishing (literally). Then a gust of wind picked me up, and I was whirled around the sky.

From here, I could see an assassin was scaling the walls of a mansion at the top of a hill, clutching a planner under one arm. Half the words were covered, and all I could see was "EARTS CHEESE". I felt myself pulled elsewhere...

Now I could see the lake, and Sydney skipping alongside it, casually pulling a body from the water. She gave a cheery wave to a grumpy-looking man sailing around the lake. For some reason, Sydney's skirt and top both seemed to be shrinking. The man began to wave back and there was another gust of wind...

Music blasted out of the the car speakers as a mechanic worked on the car, singing along. It looked relatively normal, and I wondered whether I had escaped from Casper Town. That was when I noticed the double-barrelled shotgun lying next to the decapitated zombie heads...

An innocent-looking girl (well, apart from the fire that burned in her eyes, but details, details...) casually sipped coffee outside the Three Corners Bakery, waved at a couple of hippies, who fainted at this interaction...

Musa was on her mobility scooter, giving nods of acknowledgment to all who passed, and even stopping her knitting once in a while to pet the kitten in her basket...

There was a bang, and the House with the Gargoyle on the Porch exploded, sending debris everywhere. A fire started, and people came rushing towards it. At first I thought they were going to help, but then noticed some were carrying marshmallows on sticks. The tiny assistant staggered outside the ruins, and looked miraculously unharmed, complaining about something really scientific that I didn't understand...

I wondered if Zadi and Leaf were ever going to find out all the mysteries of this town, if Cheese would ever perfect her evil laugh, if Cendi would ever show her face, and I floated away, away, away, high up in the sky, until Casper Town's citizens were nothing but tiny specks, seeking delight in causing chaos and insanity day by day. Oh, and night by night, of course.

And here, up in the lonely skies, my story ends.


	8. Chapter 8

**What the hell.**

* * *

><p><strong>Title:<strong> Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Wordcount:** 3k-ish

**Written by:** Incendiarist

**Summary:** Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eight: In Which The Narrativium Is Very Strong And Also The Narrator Is Playing An RPG On A Cosmic Level<br>**

**We Suggest You Tremble In Fear  
><strong>

_If the news suddenly said "Rick Santorum Dies" right about now, I would be greatly freaked out._

**—Plug**

* * *

><p>It was a dark and stormy night.<p>

It was always a dark and stormy night at the House WaGotP, even when it was day.

This is why, when Zadi entered the threshold of the property, she, and everything else, was sopping. _That's odd,_ said the part of her mind that was contractually obligated to set the scene, _it was sunny only a moment ago_. The rest of her mind said _GAH WHAT THE CRAP_.

She paused for a moment, the rain cascading down in a sort of portable waterfall from the rim of her hat.

"Why are we stopping?" asked her mini—asked Leaf.

"We're stopping so that The Narrator—"

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Fourth Wall Has Largest Fissure Since Last Week!"

"—can get in a good description of the House WaGotP. Just because _we_ can see it doesn't mean the readers can," Zadi replied.

And indeed, that's why I, The Narrator, had Zadi stop. This girl's so sharp, she'll cut herself if she isn't careful. The House WaGotP ("With a Gargoyle on the Porch", for those of you who didn't bother to read the campaign intro) was (sorry, let me check my notes, oh, come on, where are they? Oh, here we go:) an adorable little house painted a warm, cheerful red, with nicely trimmed hedges, a flower garden, an in-ground cellar, and a bird-feeder. (d20, where's a d20—a-ha!)

They didn't notice anything unusual, except for the Gargoyle, but considering the fact that the mailbox has, instead of a house number, the title "The House With a Gargoyle on the Porch", and everyone calls it "The House With a Gargoyle on the Porch", that says absolutely nothing about the quality of their Spot check.

The Gargoyle itself was a large thing, astoundingly ugly, and so detailed in its carving it might well have been a living being.

Leaf ran into Zadi. "Why are we stopping _now_?"

"Don't you feel it, mini—Leaf? We're being Watched." Zadi was one of those talented persons who could drop capital letters into spoken sentences. Always watch out for those sorts of people, they're often Dangerously Genre Savvy.

Zadi peered suspiciously at the Gargoyle, and whether it was truly inanimate or she failed her Spot check remains to be seen. Finally, seeing nothing even vaguely suspicious, she turned back to the door.

It was a happy yellow colour.

Its knocker was in the shape of a lemon.

If she hadn't been on a -4 penalty for weather, she might have noticed the catch and firing pin subtly moulded in the bronze, but she was, and she didn't, and the point is moot.

Zadi lifted the knocker, and the resounding echoes shuddered through the wood. There was the sound of wings scratching against each-other, and a few calls of echolocation. Leaf noticed the last, but didn't tell Zadi. Every time she tried to tell Zadi about something she heard, she was cut off with a "Stay still, mini—Leaf," and she didn't feel like going to the trouble.

Besides, it would ruin the ambiance.

A loud _Bang!,_ the sound of a stack of heavy objects being knocked over, the shriek of a cat, and a muffled scream of agony wafted through the door.

It opened.

The adorable young assistant of the mad scientist smiled kindly, and wow, Zadi really ought to get new dice, because she's been rolling _horribly_. "Ohai~" she said, with a happy tilde. "You must be newbies. Tzadikim, can I call you Tzadeikas? And Silverleaf of the Faerie, I'm gonna call you Silvie. 's that okay?"

Zadi frowned. Something was off in how the girl talked, but she couldn't place it. "Sure, I guess," she said cautiously.

"To~dah, XD. So, d'you wanna Ration Eel? 's got paprika on! Or if you don't like seafood, I've got some rat pie. Onna stick! It should still be warm-ish..." Her big round eyes lit up, literally, a light blue glow emanating from the large irises. She turned halfway around. "OY MARZ. IS THAT RAT PIE ONNA STICK STILL WARM D'YOU THINK?"*

* * *

><p><strong>THIS IS A FOOTNOTE<strong>

* * *

><p>*In his house on the top of the hill, Plug overheard (he doesn't like to talk about his and Cendi's psychic link§) this blatant disregard for the sanctity of the English language, cringing. To his eternal loathing, he couldn't do anything about it, because sitting in a locked file-drawer in the Town Hall was a thick stack of stapled-together copy paper, printed on in 8 pt. Georgia and O-positive, which gave a Miss I-have-an-unreadable-signature-that-sort-of-looks-like-a-sigil, printed Cendi Aerist, a legalised form of unstated but implied consent, within the bounds as given in pages 49 through 666, unless voided by an agreed-upon safeword, of a Miss The English Language.†<p>

* * *

><p><strong>THIS IS ALSO A FOOTNOTE<strong>

* * *

><p>§Long story.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>THIS IS A FOOTNOTE AS WELL<br>**

* * *

><p>†Cendi was rather specific about only entering into relationships with female PersonsCreatures/Languages/Anthropomorphisiations/Gods/Other [Please Specify] {Delete Whichever Are Inapplicable}. Upon being asked about this, she is rumoured to have replied "I have _standards_, you know!"

* * *

><p>A muted reply of "I don't know," came from the upstairs.<p>

The girl shrugged. "Eh, it oughtta be fine. C'mon in!"

* * *

><p>Cendi's cat, Jo, meowed in the tones of one who is getting sick of all of these pagebreaks and pseudofootnotes inserted in the flow of the prose for narrative effect.<p>

Soapy purred in the affirmative.

* * *

><p>Zadi sat carefully in a wrought-iron chair with a quilted pad. There were a few others in the same style in the room, and she was trying to avoid looking at them, because they were creepy.<p>

Really creepy.

Like, _holy shit what the fuck_ creepy.

Holy shit what the fuck, thought Zadi.

Even though Zadi doesn't usually swear.

Eh, blame the Narrativium. It must be stuck on Obligatory Swearing mode.

You should probably ignore it.

* * *

><p>Jo meowed about fucking Narrativium being a motherfucking whore cocksucker, bitch!<p>

Soapy meowed in the godsbedamned affirmative.

* * *

><p>"So, why the elysium did you come down here?" asked the assistant, handing Zadi and her mini— and Leaf glasses of strawberry lemonade. She sat down across from them in one of the creepy chairs. Shite, she thought, thus informing the readers of her personal dialect of English, that —ing computer must be malfunctioning again. I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle Obligatory Swearing mode, it's so gorram annoying.<p>

* * *

><p>"**," said Musa. "Oh, **. Nemo, turn the ** profanity filter off!"<p>

* * *

><p>"What the hell do you use to make this?" asked Leaf. "It's fucking amazing!"<p>

"Mm," said Zadi. "This is the best damn strawberry lemonade I've ever had."

It's not strawberry lemonade.

They'd know that if they passed their Taste check.

* * *

><p><strong>We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Your regularly scheduled programming will return momentarily. Until your regularly scheduled programming can return, we shall be playing a pre-recorded scene. <strong>

**We apologise for the inconvenience.**

* * *

><p>A long, long time ago, in Casper Town, which is thought to possibly be in Yugoslavia, or maybe America or Great Britain or Ireland or Transylvania or India, or perhaps it's in Überwald, maybe the Nevernever‡, a wedding was going on.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>THIS IS A FOOTNOTE, YES, ANOTHER ONE, JUST SHUT UP, WON'T YOU<strong>

* * *

><p>‡These are, in fact, <em>all<em> right. It's somewhat complicated.

* * *

><p>Mind, there's <em>always<em> a wedding going on, but this one's different.

Maybe it's the marriage of Cheese and the Professor.

That was a joke.

Ha ha.

FAT CHANCE.

* * *

><p>Usually a skeletal rat officiates, but it was on other business this time.ª<p>

* * *

><p><strong>WHAT DO YOU KNOW, IT'S ANOTHER FOOTNOTE<strong>

* * *

><p>ªIt was, in fact, in the Intensive Care Unit. The previous day's ceremony:<p>

"SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK?"

"I do."

"SQUEAK, SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK?"

"I do."

"SQUEAK SQU—"

"Meow!"

"_SQUEAK_! SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK _SQ_—!"

* * *

><p>"Do you, Cheesus Cakum Regina Sparklis Christ, take Sydney Cordella Knee LouWho as your lawfully wedded wife, through whores and polygamy, through murder and wars?" said Teaflowerné Seanán.<p>

"Is anybody in the mood for an execration?" asked the Professor.

"Sure why not," said Cendi. Weddings were _boring_, and this one was dragging on horribly. Nothing to pass the time quite like an execration.

"Great," said the Professor. There were a few things the two could agree on. "Any preference for a victim?"

"I do," said Cheese.

"Funny you should ask, XD. I made these Rick Santorum shabti..." She pulled them out of Hammerspace. "Let me just write his name, and then we can start." A nearly-illegible scribble on the base. "D'you have your cloak?"

"Mmhmm." The Professor pulled it out of Hammerspace, put it on, and began to draw a pentagram in chalk on the road.™

* * *

><p><strong>ONCE MORE WITH FOOTNOTES<strong>

* * *

><p>™Weddings tended to be a spur of the moment thing, and so people just tended to grab a spot on the pavement. The Three Corners Bakery always kept their critically-acclaimed vodka cake in stock, freshly made every morning! And if there didn't happen to be a wedding that day, what the hell, it's vodka cake, and it's not a lie. Besides, in Casper Town, everyone has an amazingly fast metabolism. Nobody knows exactly why, but they aren't about to question it.<p>

* * *

><p>"Do you, Sydney Cordella Knee LouWho, take Cheesus Cakum Regina Sparklis Christ as your lawfully wedded wife, through whores and polygamy, through murder and wars?" said Teaflowerné. "Also, I love how you're execrating Rick Santorum while Sydney and Cheese get married. Need any help?"<p>

"Thanks, Drift,° but no. We're all set," replied the Professor.

* * *

><p><strong>YEAH, I KNOW I'M OVER-USING THE FOOTNOTE THING<strong>

* * *

><p>°Everyone in Casper Town has various names. Nominally because everyone has their own opinions about what fits a person. Really because confusing newbies is fun.<p>

* * *

><p>"I'll just watch, then," said Teaflowerné with a smile. She pulled a bag of freshly-popped popcorn out of Hammerspace.<p>

"Cendi," said the Professor, "can you place the shabti at the appropriate points?"

Sophie stole a handful of Teaflowerné's popcorn. Cendi placed the shabti at the appropriate points.

"Would you mind performing the sacrifice while I begin the chant?"

Teaflowerné sighed and pulled another bag out of Hammerspace. She handed it to Sophie.

"Baa—I mean, thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"Would I mind?" asked Cendi, her shirt soaked in the blood of fangirls. "XD."

"I do," said Sydney, through a mouthful of popcorn.

"I am the Professor, Scribe of the Six-Hundred-and-Sixty-Sixth Nome. I am the keeper of the Ancient Tomes of Lore. I am the protector of the Ways of Grammar. I call upon the ancient gods to aid me in my goal."

A short, vaguely elven girl walked over from across the street, stealing a handful of Teaflowerné's popcorn. "Hey, guys!"

A few people made vague hand motions which might have been distant relatives of waves. Teaflowerné sighed and pulled another bag out of Hammerspace.

"So what's going on?" asked the elven girl.

"The Professor and Cendi are execrating Santorum," explained Teaflowerné, "and Sydney and Cheese are getting married. Oh, yeah," and she doesn't look away from the two magicians' spectacle as she addresses the lovebirds, "you may now kiss the bride. Or get drunk. Whatever."

Cendi spoke in an Eldritch tongue, presumably similar in content to what the Professor said. "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul. Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!"

"Ancient gods, I call upon you this night, for there is a curse upon this land. A demon loose in the fields of Egypt, a monster ravaging the homes of your worshippers," continued the Professor. "O gods, I request thy power this night, so that I may banish this beast."

"La mayyitan ma qadirun yatabaqqa sarmadi fa idha yaji' al-shudhdhadh fa-l-maut qad yantahi!"

"I've no idea who that is, but okay," said Sophie.

"Some politician," said Teaflowerné.

A beam of greenish-bluish-purplish light shot down from the sky, and was absorbed by the spellcasters.

"Wait," said Snow, "I want popcorn too!"

Teaflowerné sighed and pulled another bag out of Hammerspace.

"Thank you, I love you," said Snow, huggling Teaflowerné. Wedding bells chimed in the distance.ˇ

* * *

><p><strong> ANOTHER FOOTNOTE, BUT IT'LL PROBABLY BE THE LAST ONE, BECAUSE I'M RUNNING OUT OF SYMBOLS<strong>

* * *

><p>ˇFor doom the bell tolls.<p>

* * *

><p>"Now, I address thee. Yes! Thee! Thee, the monster, the curse upon Egypt! I know you. I call down the dark powers upon thy head. I declare thee as the true Enemy of my people!"<p>

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

"I name thee. I call thee, He of the Nonsense, The One of the Rubbish, The Man Who Talks Bull**.ˆ"

* * *

><p><strong>I LIED, BIG DEAL, HERE'S A GODSBEDAMNED FOOTNOTE<strong>

* * *

><p>ˆThey hadn't yet discovered that the profanity filter could be turned off.<p>

* * *

><p>"I name thee Rickus Jackassus Sanitorum! I banish thee!"<p>

"Iway an'tcay inkthay ofway anyway oremay Eldritchway eferencesray offway ethay optay ofway ymay eadhay."

They stepped on the shabti, grinding them under foot, and their voices mingled together in a powerful echo: "I. _Destroy_. Thee."

A crash of thunder and the crackle of lightning. A power line fell, and the streetlights died out, flickering pitifully.

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Rick Santorum Dies!"

* * *

><p><strong>We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.<strong>

**We apologise again for the inconvenience.**

* * *

><p>Zadi opened her eyes as her HP rose from the negatives. "Wuh... where am I?" The floor beneath her was cold linoleum tile, and it was spattered with blood.<p>

Blood. Blood was a Clue...

"You're in my dungeon, XD," said a familiar voice. It made Zadi recall Memories. "You failed your—I mean, you didn't taste the chloral hydrate in that 'strawberry lemonade' I gave you," it said, dropping inverted commas neatly into place with two little _clink!_s.

* * *

><p>Jo meowed a complaint about pulling a Lt. Blouse.<p>

Soapy purred in the affirmative.

* * *

><p>"It's <em>you<em>!" said Zadi accusingly. "You're Cendi Aerist!"

"Well, _duh_," said the adorable g—said the evil mad scientist. "Took you long enough."

"And... didn't this place blow up yesterday?"

"It's called a Reset Button, Tzadeikas. Status Quo Is God."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

Zadi blinked. The Clues had just clicked into place. "I know what you are!"

"You do?"

Leaf moaned as she returned to consciousness. Zadi ignored her. "Yes! The unnatural appearance, the weird voice, the stitches in your smile, the blood spatters... You're not a human, you're a fashion model!"

Cendi stared at her and laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

It echoed menacingly in the dungeon, and a flurry of bats came from nowhere.

"XD," she said finally. "Yeah, no."


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: Short chapter is short.**

**Title:** Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count:** 1,500.

**Written By:** Plug

**Summary:** Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Nine: In Which People Face Problems<strong>

_For some bizarre reason, they got the idea I was the murderer_.

—Plug

* * *

><p>Sydney faced a problem. A small one; as problems go, but a problem nonetheless. It took her a while to realise this, but as she ran down the main street of Casper Town whilst being chased by a zombie crocodile and an ethereal being, she came to the conclusion that she was in trouble.<p>

This was a shocking conclusion, in and of itself, for being a person of perfectly perfect perfection, she didn't really expect to be in trouble, nor to be facing a problem. Still, there she was, and there was the problem.

In any case, no matter what the problem was, she retained her perfect good sense. Unlike many of the other residents of Casper Town, Sydney had never so much as touched the fearful Idiot Ball. Thusly, she directed her steps towards the residence of the Town's foremost zombie expert.

* * *

><p><em>Elsewhere.<em>

* * *

><p>Atop Mulberry Mountain, in his well-kept, zombie-guarded, and magically-warded mansion, the Professor was also facing a problem. And, not surprisingly, his problem was also related to dead people.<p>

In this case, it was one particular dead person: the goblin lying on his fireplace. This goblin had an substance oozing from its head, a substance that looked suspiciously like blood, if blood is green and as thick as mud. Not far from the goblin's head was one of the Professor's thesauri, which looked rather battered and dented in one spot, as though, perhaps, it had been repeatedly brought in contact with a rather hard and bony head.

But of course that's impossible.

The Professor was gazing at this spectacle, through his spectacles, with a speculative air. To look at the Professor, and the Professor alone, one would think that he was surveying a fine painting or a fascinating sculpture, rather than this scene of gore.

He stroked his imaginary beard for several minutes, before standing up slowly. He approached the goblin gingerly, not taking his eyes off it. From some eldritch locker he pulled a large wooden staff, which he used to poke the goblin, none too gently. The scaly creature didn't move, and the Professor prodded it more vociferously. After several minutes of prodding, poking, and kicking, he was satisfied, and stored the staff away again.

He turned away, and moved over to his very large desk. Bending down, he opened a tiny drawer, from which he pulled a body bag. He opened it up, moved briskly over to the goblin, and unceremoniously shoved the corpse into the bag.

"Now," he muttered to himself, or to an invisible attendant. Either one was possible. "I'd better go to Cendi with this one."

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile.<em>

* * *

><p>Sydney knocked upon the front door of the House WaGotP. She glanced down the street nervously, shifting from foot to foot. She'd managed to shake off the zombies a couple of blocks back, thanks to a well-placed temporal rift, but they could return from <strong>The Great Beyond<strong> at any moment.

The door opened, and Cendi stuck her head out.

"Yes?" she said testily.

Sydney quickly explained the situation. With every mention of the words "death", "impending doom", "grievous bodily harm", and "zombie", Cendi's expression grew brighter and brighter. By the time Sydney had finished her account, the mad scientist was positively beaming.

"XD XD XD," she said, as she clapped her hands in glee. "This is wonderful! I can use my new installation of Amaya to write up a JavaScript function, which I can execute through the Narrativium."

Sydney nodded, her eyes glazed over. "I'll just sing." she said.

Cendi waved her in. "Come in, come in. Marz had to go to the edge of Town to get reception. He muttered something about company subsidiaries buying other company subsidiaries."

* * *

><p><em>In <strong>The Great Beyond.<strong>_

* * *

><p>The two zombies appeared, without a whisper or even a shout, in Cheese's bedroom. She looked up from her Blob-O-Tron, and scowled.<p>

"The Whore's doing, this," she muttered in a low voice.

The crocodile stumbled around, looking bewildered, while the ethereal being stood stock-still. From the opposite side of the room, Cheese's extremely dangerous psych— ahem, that is, Cheese's wonderfully adorable pets hissed at the newcomers with great vitriol. Actual, literal vitriol, in fact.

Cheese pulled a big orange lever on her machine to the INITIATE BLOBIFICATION position. Said machine began to rumble ominously. Cheese leaned back in her chair, and let out an extremely menacing holler of laughter.

The zombies disappeared as quickly and as quietly as they'd appeared.

* * *

><p><em>At about this time.<em>

* * *

><p>The Professor dashed down his mountain, pushing a gurney, upon which the goblin's corpse rested. He dodged past his zombie guards as he ran down into the Town.<p>

"Gotta get this to Cendi for reprocessing," he muttered.

* * *

><p><em>I'm running out of ways to say "meanwhile"<em>.

* * *

><p>Cendi cackled manically as she hit "Run". The area around her House was suddenly filled with a dramatic electric storm. It incinerated the zombies utterly. Organ music played, and bats rustled in the belfry.<p>

What belfry, you silly sane people ask. Why, the belfry Cendi installed after the last Reset, of course.

"Oh, this is excellent. Just great, yanno?" she proclaimed. In her joy, she gave Sydney a—

Well! Never mind what she gave Sydney.

* * *

><p><em>A little while after.<em>

* * *

><p>The Professor dashed up to Cendi's House, sparing the small piles of ashes a mere glance. He hammered on the front door with his staff. There was no answer.<p>

He frowned, sniffing the air.

"Godsbedamned," he soliloquised. "I smell a Boolean. I smell a five-stage function."

He whirled around with drama, staring ominously down on the piles of ashes. "She must have run an Incineration Program!" he declared. Then he frowned. "Darn. That means she'll be having a victory—"

The Professor quickly cut himself off, giving the House WaGotP a perturbed look. Clearly, the rightful end to his sentence was a disturbing thing, indeed.

He sighed, with extra huff, and stared at the gurney as though it had done him a personal disservice. "So where the hell am I going to take this now?" he grumbled.

Just then, at a moment that was integral to the plot, the Professor heard voices.

No, not voices in his head, you idiot.

He heard voices coming down the street.

Wait. That's not right. Voices can't come down streets, can they? No, of course not.

No, he heard the sound of two people talking, and those two people were coming closer. Coming down the street, in fact.

There. That makes sense.

He listened in. No, he wasn't eavesdropping. He was lurking, which is a perfectly respectable activity.

"What are we doing now?" groaned one voice.

"We are Walking," said the other.

The Professor immediately recognised that voice. After all, who else was so skilled at inserting capital letters into sentences? The One and Only PI, Zadi Kim.

"But why are we walking?" the other voice complained. Clearly, this was Leaf.

Zadi sighed. "Walking, minio—Leaf, not walking. The capital letter makes all the difference."

"But how?" Leaf asked confusedly.

Zadi began to answer, but the Professor interrupted by rushing out to them.

"Zadi!" he said cheerfully.

Zadi barely blinked, but Leaf was understandably surprised at the appearance of her father.

"Professor," Zadi said calmly.

"Plug!" Leaf exclaimed.

The Professor quelled her with an irritated look, before turning to Zadi and gesturing to his gurney.

"I, ah, need you to dispose of something for me," he said quickly.

Zadi frowned. "What‽" she said, her question ending in an interrobang.

The Professor frowned also. "Huh‽" he said, his sentence also ending in an interrobang. He was soon enlightened, however, for just then Marz hurried by, muttering to himself.

"Oh, it's just Marz," the Professor said, handwaving. "He's on interrobang mode. Sometimes it affects everyone around him."

Zadi nodded. "I'll say it again. What?" she said.

"Let's just say a dead goblin turned up on my fireplace and I need you to dump it in Lake Inky because I can't go out there because all the zombies there hate me," the Professor explained, in a very deft and subtle manner.

Zadi snorted. "Subtle, aren't you?" she said sarcastically.

He shrugged.

Zadi sighed.

"I can do it," she said carefully. "But I want payment."

"Sure!" the Professor replied. "I can give you more documents, or—"

"No," Zadi cut in. "I want equipment. Magical equipment. I want a staff."

The Professor blanched. "But I can't just give you a staff! You're not trained!"

Zadi shrugged. "I don't care. You want the job done, you give me a staff."

The Professor considered it for all of ten seconds. He reached into his magical locker, and drew out one of his spare staffs. He tossed it to Zadi.

"It's oak, and the carvings are Ozark," he said.

Leaf's eyes brightened when she saw the staff. "Hey, I want one of those!" she said.

The Professor hesitated. "I don't think that's a good idea…"

"Just give her the staff," Zadi said brusquely. The Professor obeyed, and handed over the gurney.

That was when the hordes of blobs came streaming through the temporal breach like some sort of strange, amorphous tidal wave.


	10. Chapter 10

**Title**: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: 3k-ish

**Written By**: Cheese

**Summary**: Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Ten: A Typical Day<strong>

_hiya people_

_what is grammar_

_is it something tumblr eats_

—**Cendi**

* * *

><p>Any reader who's made it this far through the story must either insane or a stalker, both of which are qualities highly regarded by the majority of citizens and illegal immigrants of Casper Town, and should therefore consider moving here.<p>

After all, what's not to like? The house prices are low, the energy's cheap since everything's powered by the Tesseract, and, of course, explosions. Who doesn't like a good explosion?

Because the narrator is so kind, she'll help anyone interested in moving here get more of a feel for the town. After extensive research (perhaps obtained by blackmail and hacking, but details, details), the narrator presents an only slightly fabricated description of a day in Casper Town.

* * *

><p><strong>Early Morning<strong>

If any reader is harboring any doubts about the insanity of inhabitants of this lovely place, this next scene will certainly destroy them, just like the way the Professor's demonic thesauri completely destroy unfortunate souls.

Some people get up in the early morning.

* * *

><p>The narrator will just pause for a second, allowing the reader to mourn for any doubts that have been destroyed in the process of this revelation.<p>

And also because she's feeling hungry and is going to grab a snack before continuing.

* * *

><p>Yes, that's right, some people are so insane that, even though there is no such thing as school, they wake up early.<p>

(Musa actually tried to set up a school once, but it didn't take long for her to realise that it wasn't necessary; with the various experiences obtained by just daily life in the town, alongside the internet, citizens are able to gain a well-rounded education without additional input. Plus having to find a new teacher from The Other Place{readers may call this '"reality"} every day {sometimes two times a day [and if the students were feeling particularly bored, three times a day]} was kind of exhausting.)

Old Man Tard spends his mornings carrying curious tourists around Lake Inky.

"Welcome aboard, ladies, gentlemen and everything else," he says. "Don't worry about the rain of cats and dogs and the occasional llama today. If you die from getting crushed by any of them, I'm sure someone in this town will be able to put you back together. And look! Lightning! They'll even be able to restart your heart!" His optimism is inversely proportional to the cheeriness of the weather.

He whistles a merry tune as he guides the boat through the family of flesh-eating piranhas, giving them a wave and "accidentally" pushing a tourist into their awaiting mouths.

"Oops!" he exclaims, pocketing the money that must have fallen out the tourist's pockets "accidentally". "Oh well. Next on our tour is the whirlpool. No, it's not dangerous at all! What would give you that impression? Those screams you say you're hearing that's coming out of it are just a figure of your imagination. Whoops," he says, as another four tourists fall.

There's a _clink_ in his pocket.

The boat begins to rock and the remaining tourists cling on to each other in fear.

Old Man Tard laughs. "There's nothing to fear, everyone! The kraken just wants to say hi."

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Old Man Tard is still cheerfully sailing his boat around the lake, but he's alone.<p>

There's a reason why he claims the tour is "something you'll never experience ever again".

* * *

><p>That's about all for early morning. Of course, there are some inhabitants who do not go to sleep at all, so technically they're awake as well in the morning, but we're not talking about them at the moment, since the word "people" does not include—<p>

* * *

><p><strong>HEY LOOK A SCENE CHANGE. IGNORE THE SENTENCE THAT'S JUST BEEN CUT OFF. IT'S NOT LIKE IMPORTANT INFORMATION WOULD HAVE BEEN REVEALED.<strong>

**REALLY. WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION?**

* * *

><p><strong>Late morning<strong>

In TLWitL, the old lady is knitting, her sharp needles _clicking_ and _clacking_, and occasionally, when they get bored of repeating the same sounds, _clucking_ and _clecking_.

She winces. "Ouch. I think someone just broke their shift key."

Sophie purrs in the affirmative, eyes focused on the cheese bait she's just set up for an unsuspecting mouse.

Suddenly, smoke billows through the room, followed by coughing and theme music.

As the smoke fades, a girl is revealed, bent over and still coughing.

Musa doesn't even blink.

Hang on, actually, does she ever blink?

* * *

><p><strong>THIS TEXT IS IN CAPITALS PURELY BECAUSE IT IS. IT'S NOT TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE NARRATOR PONDERING WHETHER ONE OF THE INHABITANTS IS ACTUALLY HUMAN.<strong>

* * *

><p>Musa winces again.<p>

"I think you overdid the smoke effect," she says.

Sophie purrs in the affirmative.

"Yeah. Sorry—" the girl's words are cut off by another coughing fit. "Sorry. Anyway. Forget about what just happened. So, who summons the Almighty Cheese from **The Great Beyond**?"

Musa and Sophie stare awkwardly for a moment.

"None of us, I'm afraid," Musa says.

Sophie purrs in the affirmative.

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Sophie purrs in the affirmative

"Um. Sorry." With that, the girl vanishes dramatically.

Sophie and Musa return to their previous activities for a while, but then the old lady speaks up.

"I have a feeling we're in the middle of a pointless scene."

Sophie purrs in the affirmative.

* * *

><p><strong>Noon<strong>

Zadi frowns as she reads through her notes. "I don't get it."

"Get what?" Leaf asks as she comes into the room.

"Their secret codes. Minio- Leaf, have you been discreetly eavesdropping like a good detective?"

Leaf nods.

"You've heard the strange words that they drop into their conversations, then?" She scans a page in her notebook. "Like 'exdee', 'colonthree' and 'pointy-thing-underscore-pointy-thing'."

"Oh yes, I've been wondering what they mean."

Zadi sighs. "So have I, minio— Leaf. And so far, I've gotten precisely nowhere."

Precisely nowhere's a bit north of Casper Town, if anyone wants to know.

Zadi currently doesn't know this, since there are no maps of the area surrounding Casper Town. Efforts have been made to make one, but cartographers go insane when they try. It's apparently something about the extra dimensions that gets them confused and then drives them crazy.

Anyway. Back to Zadi and Leaf, since the narrator is sure they're in the middle of an exciting exchange.

"Could you get me a coffee?" Zadi asks. "Thanks."

* * *

><p>Leaf exits That Funny Looking Apartment, slightly out of breath from running down seven flights of stairs. Now she regrets not signing up for that apparation class that some leaflet had been advertising.<p>

Though the price of two souls seemed a bit steep.

It takes her a while to adjust to the bright sunlight. She's already sweating from the heat, so takes her jacket off.

On her walk, she encounters an explosion that's not important enough to elaborate on, and also a robbery that _is_ important enough.

However, the narrator is too lazy. So hah.

* * *

><p>The inside of Three Corners is sweet and charming, just like the girl who stands behind the counter, smiling at Leaf in an innocent manner.<p>

"Hi, I'm Minnie. Minnie Dragoste. And nothing else. I'm just Minnie, not Minaret, even though I may look exactly like her. I'm not a goddess, just an innocent girl who happens to work here. What would you like to order?"

Leaf asks for Zadi's coffee, and then looks at the range of baked goods on displays. Her stomach rumbles. There are sausage rolls, cheese buns and other savoury foods. There are also all kinds of cake, all beautifully decorated.

Dramatic theme music suddenly begins, and, in a puff of smoke, a girl appears. "Who summons the Almighty Cheese from **The Great Beyond**?"

Leaf stares, but having spent enough time in Casper Town, she quickly recovers. "Wasn't me."

"Oh. Whoops, then." The girl vanishes.

Leaf turn back to Minnie, but she seems distracted. She follows the girl's gaze, eyes landing on...Musa.

Outside, Musa is passing Three Corners in her mobility scooter, eyes locked on Minnie's, and Leaf feels like she's intruding on a private moment; their eyes are filled with tenderness, love and a tinge of sadness.

Music starts again, this time someone crooning about heartbreak accompanied by violins. Time slows down, conveniently letting any cameramen to focus and zoom in on both their faces if a movie adaption were to be made.

But he lighting isn't dramatic enough, so time rewinds. Musa meets Minnie's gaze again.

This repeats several times to get the scene perfect.

While this is happening, Leaf stands awkwardly, waiting for the coffee.

* * *

><p><strong>Early afternoon<strong>

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

The ice-cream in Hundred's hand is already melting, thanks to the heat of the sun.

"Here."

The tourist takes the ice-cream. There's something unnerving about the way the girl is looking at him. She is doll-like, with adorable curls that tumble down her back. But her black eyes bore right into him, as if considering the best way to murder him without leaving any evidence. Despite the heat, he shivers, and then hurries away.

Another comes and takes his place. "What flavors do you have?" she asks, fiddling with the review she'll give as payment.

"Chocolate, raspberry, apple, peach, sugar, honey, ice, tea, mosquito, onion, turkey, hair, ether, rat, fudge, uterus, coffee, koala, iron, nut, grandma, blood, ichor, tippex, cheesecake, human," Hundred says.

"Who summons the Almighty Cheese from **The Great Beyond**?" a mighty voice cries from the smoke that has appeared in the room. Theme music begins, but it's cut off.

"Wasn't me," Hundred says. "And seriously, do you have to do the whole dramatic appearing thing? You just scared all my customers away."

Cheese looks around the ice-cream shop guiltily. It's true; the previously crowded shop is now empty. "Sorry. I thought I heard my name," she explains and vanishes. Dramatically.

Hundred sighs.

An Asian girl walks into the shop cheerfully. "Hi, Gloss!"

"Hi, Snow."

Snow looks around. "Hmm. I'd thought this place would be busier today."

"It was, until Cheese appeared—"

"Who summons the Almighty Chee—"

"Wasn't me."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Anyway, like I was saying, she scared them off."

"Ah. I see. But hey, the new torture device I ordered from Amazon finally arrived. Want to help me test it out?" Snow asks eagerly

Hundred brightens immediately. "Sure! Just let me go get the tourist that tried to rob my shop a couple of scenes ago- I mean, in the morning. He'd probably make an excellent test subject," she says, opening the freezer and dragging out the frozen tourist.

Snow smiles. "Excellent."

* * *

><p><strong>Late afternoon<strong>

The Professor smiles happily as he takes his collection of soul-erasing thesauri for their daily polish. A smile which fades when he hears a soft "ook".

He looks up and, yes, as he expected, there's a shadowy figure crouched upon one of his towering bookshelves. He sighs.

"I've already given you your bunch of bananas," he calls upwards. "Remember our deal? You stop coming into my library in return for monthly bananas."

"Ook."

"What do you mean, they were too small? They were normal-sized bananas."

"Ook."

"No. No more bananas until next month."

"_Ook_."

"...Oh, fine. But you better not return for a month."

"Ook."

The Professor disappears for a while, before coming back with some bananas. He tosses them upwards, and a large hand scoops them up.

A parting "ook", and then his visitor vanishes.

"Finally!" the Professor exclaims. "Now I can get back to you lovelies," he says tenderly, reaching out and stroking the cover of one of the thesauruses. "Who feels like a polish first? Charles? Joanne? Steve? Hmm. Or maybe you, Jim—"

A sound alerts him to a new iMessage. He scowls as he picks his iPhone up.

It's Marz.

_Cendi's acting strange. I can't understand a word she's saying. Please come quickly!_

The Professor scowls. No _way_. He's just gotten settled with his beauties, and now-

Another message appears.

_This is urgent. If you don't come I'll start using chtspk._

"Argh!" the Professor groans. Marz knows him too well. He walks towards the fireplace, tossing a handful of Floo powder into the fire.

* * *

><p>"What is it?" Plug demands in a grouchy tone, wiping soot off his coat.<p>

"Like I said, Cendi," Marz says, pointing to the small huma— creatur— well, some sort of thing, sat in the corner, light from her laptop reflecting off her glasses.

She briefly looks up. "asdfghjkl" she exclaims.

"See! Like that!"

"Hmm. I see," Plug says, pondering.

"ALL THE FEEEEEELS" Cendi screams suddenly, causing the two males to scream. And then look embarrassed at having hit such high notes.

"why why why" she mumbles.

"Why isn't she talking with punctuation?" Marz asks worriedly.

The Professor's forehead wrinkles as he thinks. "Give me a moment," he says.

He walks up to Cendi cautiously, peering at her computer screen.

"Oh, I understand!"

"What is it?" Marz asks.

The Professor doesn't answer at first, instead concentrating on pulling the laptop away from Cendi. She doesn't resist, and instead envelops him in a hug and bawls. "#crying brb" she gasps out.

"Just..." It's hard for the Professor to speak, what with Cendi basically choking him and whatnot, but he makes a passable attempt. "Next time...keep her away...away from Tumblr...and well-written...Thorki angst."

* * *

><p><strong>Evening<strong>

Evenings in Casper Town normally consists of everybody gathering in The Forum, and today is no different. Humans, leprechauns and other creatures of questionable species are engaged in conversation and drinking, but the true entertainment today is the newly-created zombie that Snow and Hundred brings along.

(It looks slightly familiar to some of the tourists, but they're _sure _it's just a coincidence. Though they haven't seen Bob for a while, now they think of it...)

In a dark corner, Old Man Tard scowls at the laughing crowd. "Idiots. Huh. Wonder what they'll do when zombies start developing intelligence." (Yep, the weather's currently sunny outside.)

The Professor is sitting next to him, massaging his throat. "Eh. If things get out of hand, I've got these." He points to his thesauri. To demostrate, he chucks one at the zombie. It collapses to the disappointment of the audience.

"Hmph." Old Man Tard isn't satisfied. "What if they get quicker, then? They'll be able to dodge your books. And then what would you do, except watch in horror as they make their way towards you, ready to eat your brain? And why do you keep massaging you throat?"

"It's a long story. It started when...well, see, I have this monthly friend," the Professor begins to explain.

Tard turns pale for some reason.

"This month, the monthly visitor came early—"

"Alright, alright, I've heard enough! Uh, if you're having that kind of problem, you really should be talking to someone more qualified than me. Uh...any of the ladies would do." He quickly escapes, leaving behind a bemused Professor.

"Boo!"

"Argh!" The Professor jumps up, freaked out.

There is much sniggering. Nemo appears, Ro in her lap. "Scared you," she taunts.

"Did not," the Professor grumbles.

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Oh, this makes me feel like I'm stuck in one of those time loops," Ro complains, vanishing.

Across the room, Musa and Cendi(now recovered...sort of) watch the siblings squabble, amused.

"Oh yes," Musa suddenly says. "Something...happened today." She is still knitting, as usual, as if, if she stops, the whole universe will implode. Not that it actually will, of course.

_Of course._

Cendi turns to her, curious. "do tell"

"Well, I was making my way down the high street, when I caught the eye of this girl in Three Corners. And...I don't know. It was sort of like we were in this cheesy rom com—"

"Who summoned the Almi—"

"Wasn't me."

"Oh. Sorry."

"As I was saying, like a rom com. Our eyes met...and I had the strangest feeling I knew her from somewhere..."

Cendi seems very interested in her drink for a moment. "cant imagine why. hey look what sophies doing" she says, abruptly changing the subject.

Sophie's cornered a group of terrified tourists and is sitting there, not letting anyone move.

Musa frowns at Cendi, but drops that subject. "I trained her well," she says proudly.

"indeed"

"Ouch. Poor guy."

"his fault cause he shouldnt have tried to escape"

"Heh. Yes."

* * *

><p>And that concludes this chapter.<p>

Of course, many things also happen in the night, but this is not the time to reveal them.

Since the narrator's getting bored.

And really should be revising.


	11. Chapter 11

**Title**: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: 1,072 words

**Written By**: Snow and Gloss

**Summary**: Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eleven: The Last Doctor Who-Related Chapter We Could Have Had, or, A New Job, or even Fifty Shades of Gloss<strong>

_"Do websites often explode…?"_

**—Plug  
><strong>

Snow needed some fucking money. She was broke. Absolutely broke. Really, the number of people who hired torturers was appalling. Appallingly _low._ Walking down the streets of Casper Town, she saw a red, drippy sign that said, 'HELP WANTED :D'.

Was that written in actual blood...? It wasn't too strange, not for Casper Town, anyway.

Shrugging, she glanced at the name of the shop. "Gloss' Wonderful Ice Cream Shop of Awesomeness," she read.

Deciding she really wasn't in a position to be picky, she pushed the door of the shop open and entered.

"Hi!" Said a ridiculously perky voice, "and welcome to Gloss' Wonderful Ice Cream Shop of Awesomeness! How can I help you?"

"I need a job," Snow declared.

"Oh," the girl said. "Well, I'm Gloss. What are your preferred hours and how willing are you to steal blood from the blood bank and/or dead bodies?"

"Perfectly okay with that. I'm willing to work whenever my secondary job doesn't interfere. Is that okay?"

"Is what okay? That you seem to have very little moral inclinations? That's cool. This _is _Casper Town."  
>"If you say it that way… I'm in!"<p>

"Great! Half a review an hour. Or a shitty one, whatever floats your boat."  
>"H-half?" Snow choked out. "That's insane!"<br>Gloss raised an eyebrow. "You scoop ice cream and cash review coupons. When you're not doing that, you steal blood. Then, you just sit around. And you sit around 84.63% of the time. I think that's a perfectly fair amount of money for what you're doing."  
>Sighing, she resigned herself to sitting on the stool.<br>Gloss brightened. "Great! Here's your tee-shirt— Oh, don't worry, it magically alters itself— I need you to sign this, now."

The anime-like thirteen year old held out a contract that looked about two inches, or 5.08 centimeters, _whatever, _thick.  
>"This is a simple contract saying that if you die here, I get your lungs, eyes, and am entitled to at least 3 inches of hair, I don't have any damn insurance for you, and if you touch my hair, I am allowed to murder you. If you run, I will hunt you down, and gut you like a fish."<p>

Gloss checked her blue slap-band watch. "Oh. I have to go for three hours or so. Be nice to customers, don't open the door marked 'Grass', and if Plug and Zadi come here, take a picture with the camera on the cash register!"

* * *

><p>15 minutes later: <span>Snow<span>

* * *

><p>So Snow accidentally went in the room marked 'Grass'.<p>

It wasn't her fault, really! She just… thought it was the bathroom.  
>And it exploded.<br>Suprisingly, her tee-shirt protected her from some of the bullets firing out of there—where the heck did those come from anyway?—And the Ice Cream stayed rock solid and apparently laser beam proof.

Of course her head looked a little something like:

OMGWTFwhatwhatj**usthappenedWHATISH**A_FDGCZ_MHDSF

* * *

><p><span>Gloss<span>

* * *

><p>On her way back from Sydney's house and on to her mothers, she heard it.<p>

Cue smirk.  
>They always opened the damn door.<br>Briefly, Gloss wondered if Snow was still wearing the tee-shirt. After all, it was practically _Superman_ proof.  
>But not yet. She'd need to work at that at the lab…<p>

Cendi gave her daughter a humorous glance once she stepping into the lab.  
>"Another one?"<br>"Yeah. I think this one's smart , though— probably knows she's been drugged and that she won't get hurt with the shirt on. But," She said wagging her finger, "Marz said he's pay for this one. The camera on the register's got it all on tape, and he wants a copy."  
>Cendi just <em>looked.<em>

"You want one, too? Um, anyway. We have to get back to cloning the Avengers, right?"  
>"Oyeah."<p>

"Did your ovaries explode again, trying to make Loki?"

"NO. LIES."  
>Cue facepalm.<p>

* * *

><p>Snow was shivering under a table, trying to get all the Mint Chocolate Chip off of her skin.<p>

"OH MY GOD!" Exclaimed Gloss, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY SHOP?"

"Uh-um. I-I didn-"  
>"YOU HORRIBLE PERSON YOU DESTROYED MY SHOP <em>YOU OPENED THE DOOR DIDN'T YOU"<br>_"I did- I mean, I wasn't trying to but-"  
>"That's cool," She was suddenly pretty calm. "Hey, you're smart! You survived, didn't you?"<p>

"I—_what."  
><em>"That was a test, stupid. Duh, xD Hope you're okay."  
>"Was that a pun on my name or just a smiley face?"<br>"Little bit of both, yeah."  
>"I'm surprised I'm not angrier."<br>"Casper Town, darling. You fit in just fine."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the Hall of Ju— I mean Cendi's Lab…<p>

* * *

><p>"HI."<br>"Hello?"  
>"Tch," She sighed. "This one doesn't have the right voice. Goodbye clone!"<br>Incinerated.

"Cendi~~~~!"  
>Oh god.<br>"Where areeee youuuu?"  
>No. She had to leave, she had to hide, Oh, <em>GOD<em>

"Come heeeeereeeeeeee~~~~!"  
>Oh no, no, no,<em> no—<em>

GLOMP.  
>"Hey Cendi~~~!"<br>Facepalm.  
>"Minnie. Get. Out. Of. My. Lab. Ten minutes ago, clone!Steve Rogers would have annihilated you. "<br>She sighed. "I need to know everything you know about Willamena. I'm afraid she's figured out my real identity."  
>Cendi chortled. "WILLA? Nope. She finds the best in everyone. And only makes assumptions based on your penname. You're fine, Minaret."<br>She twitched. "Don't _call _me that here. There could be cameras—"  
>Hand wave.<br>"There's no cameras. You're fine. Now, off to Tumblr for you!"  
>"NO!"<br>Wow. This is strangely out of character. Minnie? Not wanting to go on Tumblr? **Does not compute.**  
><strong>System error.<strong>  
><strong>Rebooting…<strong>  
><span>.<span>

.

.  
>"FINE! I'll just go to Gloss! She has full access to your files!"<p>

* * *

><p><span>Minnie<span>

* * *

><p>"GLOSS!"<br>"No."  
>"But you don't even—"<br>"No, I will not give you a review, Zadi. You lost the coupon, and I—"  
>"It's Minnie."<br>"Oh. What do you want?"  
>"Willamina's file?"<br>"Willa?" Gloss puzzled. "Why? She won't give you information on Plug's plasma blasters. Haruhi knows I've tried."  
>"No, for a different reason."<br>"Alright." Gloss tapped a few keys on her computer.

"It's been emailed. Now go away, I'm Skyping Sydney."

* * *

><p><span>Cendi<span>

* * *

><p>"AUGH FEELS STOP"<p>

"NO STOP"

"STOP BLOGGING, CENDI!"  
>"but I like blogging"<p>

"You're crying."

"I'm not crying a fictional character's in my eye"

"Okay, Cendi. Okay."


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note**: Haven't written one of these in a while…

I wanted to do one where the Professor is actually in a good position at the end. XD And here it is.

There's a bunch of references in there… sorry if you don't all get them.

**Title**: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: approx. 2.5k

**Written By**: Plug

**Summary**: Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twelve: Incendiception.<strong>

_I AM THE PROFESSOR. _

_AND YOU ARE THE AERISTS. _

_I WILL SEND YOU TO HELL. _

_—_**Plug**

As the Professor woke with a start, his vision momentarily had a pixelated appearance.

He frowned.

That was odd. The end of his bed didn't _usually_ look like it was made up of pixels. And this had a bad rate, it wasn't even WVGA…

He shook his head as his eyes returned to normal. Nah. It clearly wasn't anything important. It _certainly_ wasn't foreshadowing of some kind. After all, foreshadowing has to be subtle. It can't hit you over the head with a frying pan.

Why are you rubbing your head? It's clearly not bruised.

No, it was probably just his antisanity drugs wearing off, the Professor decided. He clambered out of bed, and stumbled over to his desk.

From a brown paper bag which sat atop that desk, the leprechaun withdrew what looked suspiciously like a purple jelly baby. He ate it with it gusto, and then had two more.

Blinking rapidly as his vision readjusted to the demonic plain, he quickly changed from his TARDIS-covered pyjamas into his tennis outfit.

The narrator decided to pause to let the reader finish laughing, or making sarcastic comments, depending on their proximity to Cheese.

"Who summoned me from—"

"Go away, Cheese," the Professor mumbled, as he laced up his (pure white) tennis shoes.

"Oh, are you wearing white? Still obsessed with the colour of Apple?"

The leprechaun professor did not respond. Instead, he merely crunched a wheat cracker underfoot.

Cheese disappeared.

No-one in Casper Town knew why this was, but the one sure way of banishing Cheese back to **The Great Beyond** was crunching a cracker underfoot.

The Professor had a quick, stereotype-subverting breakfast of granola and elderflower juice. He packed up his tennis bag, and left Mulberry Mountain.

The walk down was a perilous one, as ever. After a minor skirmish with a zombie lawyer, and a brief foray into the past to rectify an ontological paradox, he finally got onto the main street of the Town.

"All in a day's work," he muttered briskly, whilst brushing the brownish remains of an interversal psychokinetic omnicidal rabbit off his shorts.

It was when the leprechaun was hurrying past the HwtGotP that he tripped.

In the blink of an eye (unless the eye was lidless, in which case it would be in… the turn of an eye? The raise of an eyebrow? Is this why lizards aren't so fast, because they don't have a simple way of measuring really fast things?), the Professor was sprawled on the ground, groaning.

He grumbled Irish oaths under his breath as he got to his feet. His vision swam and shook about for a few moments. The Professor blinked vigorously, and the ground stopped swaying.

Everything looked normal.

That should have been the first clue.

* * *

><p>In the central Narrativium control room, the mad scientist chuckled to herself.<p>

"XD."

* * *

><p>The Professor turned to pick up his tennis racket, which he'd dropped when he'd fallen.<p>

At least, he thought he had.

The leprechaun frowned.

His tennis racket was nowhere in sight.

He turned around on his heel, staring blankly. No creature could be seen.

Okay, that obviously didn't mean nothing was there, but still.

The Professor looked up, just in time to see his tennis racket falling towards him. It hit his nose with a thump, before clattering to the ground.

He cursed, and snatched it up.

"Is that you, Cheese?" he growled at the sky.

The entity known as Cheese did not appear.

That should have been the second clue.

* * *

><p>At her computer, Cendi tapped in a command.<p>

_Initiate command sequence Dorfl._

* * *

><p>The Professor strolled on, feeling a little frazzled from the strange events of the last few minutes.<p>

He paused, to tie his shoelace.

That was when the shadow loomed over him, like the shadow of Death himself looming over a freshly biologically altered being.

The Professor, being Genre Savvy enough to know not to freeze when an ominous shadow loomed, took off at a run.

Or rather, he tried to.

He'd run barely three steps when an implacable grip clamped around his collar and lifted him aloft.

The leprechaun struggled, his legs kicking, arms waving, but his captor held on tight. His captor, who happened to be—

"Dorfl?" the Professor spluttered.

The clay golem nodded. "Yes, It Is I."

"What— what are you doing?"

The golem looked slightly puzzled for a moment.

"I Am Not Sure," he rumbled. "I Think I Am Here To Arrest You."

The Professor raised a finger in protest, but suddenly found himself on the ground again.

He blinked. Dorfl had vanished.

"What the _hell_ is going on?" he asked the air.

The air didn't answer. Very rude. Even the atmosphere in the Town was hostile.

The leprechaun professor sighed resignedly. It was probably just another case of literontological displacement. Honestly, Musa really needed to strengthen the barriers…

He stopped before letting that thought go any further. No-one in the Town dared question the Gatekeeper. They just didn't.

* * *

><p>In the control centre, Cendi nodded in agreement.<p>

* * *

><p>A little further down the road, the Professor stopped and groaned.<p>

He sensed That Something Wicked This Way Came.

The air behind him contorted, and a black-clad figure shot through the air towards him. It looked as if the figure was about to shoot the Professor in the back, and then—

He whirled around with a roar, staff in hand, anger in his eyes.

"HEATHEN," his voice echoed across the street, as he deflected bullets away.

The black-clad figure took a step back, before swooping in with ninja-like speed.

The two beings fought like dragons, all dramatic and martial arts, for several minutes, purely for the visual effect.

Shame you didn't see it.

Suddenly everything froze. The Professor found himself unable to move, and his uppercut strike hung in midair. His would-be assassin also hung in the air, frozen mid-kick.

For the first time, the leprechaun got a good look at who was attacking him. His round eyes widened in astonishment.

"Is that Natasha R—" he started to say, before an explosion tossed him through the air.

* * *

><p>A piercing cackle filled the air in the control room.<p>

* * *

><p>The Professor was really getting fed up with this whole lark. How many times was he going to be thrown around like this?<p>

As he got back to his feet, he muttered a quote from a film he was fond of, in an attempt to self-motivate.

"And why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves back up again."

* * *

><p>In the control room, the mad scientist winced, before scowling at her monitor.<p>

* * *

><p>"Okay, so there's something really weird going on here," the Professor announced to the empty street.<p>

Yes, the silly leprechaun had a marked tendency to make hopelessly redundant statements. He even called residents of Casper Town _insane_.

That's like calling Sherlock Holmes "somewhat smart".

"Stranger than usual, even," he said, still talking to the air.

"Don't play games with me," he whispered ominously. "Don't ever, ever think you're capable of that."

The air still didn't answer back. Shocking.

The Professor paced around, muttering to himself.

Oh yes, he'd learned the ancient art of the monologue from Zadi Kim herself. When their partnership had proved to be more requiring of the Professor's magic than had been originally agreed, the leprechaun had demanded some form of compensation. After spending twenty-two hours and twenty-two minutes locked in negotiations, Zadi had agreed to provide detailed lectures on monologuing, scowling, leaning back in chairs, and coffee.

So, using his best monologuing skills, the Professor considered his predicament.

"Every time I move on a few steps, something odd happens," he muttered, drawing invisible shapes in the air with his hands. "Something is screwing around with me. I need to find a way to get its attention off me…"

A lightbulb went on over his head.

After patting down his hair where it had gotten singed, and disposing the bulb in an ontologically safe way, the Professor crouched down, and skulked in the shadows of a very quiet house.

* * *

><p>Cendi yawned.<p>

* * *

><p>Several hours later, the Professor stirred from his hiding place.<p>

He hopped up, rubbing his hands in satisfaction.

"There's no way that I could still be a target now!" he declared. "I'm free!"

The Professor also had a marked tendency for premature dramatic declarations.

He heard a distant rumble of thunder in the distance. And it was getting closer.

Glancing over his shoulder, the Professor saw a legion of very angry and extremely armed dwarfs marching towards him.

For once, he did the sensible thing, and ran.

Or rather, he tried to.

In fact, he didn't move a single step. As hard as the leprechaun struggled, he was suddenly frozen on the spot.

It almost felt like someone else was _controlling_ him…

The dwarfs came to a halt a couple of feet away. The Professor braced himself for what looked to be an agonising death.

His only hope was that the paperwork to reset his biological status wouldn't be too bad, this time around.

He shut his eyes tight.

Nothing happened.

He shut his eyes even tighter.

Still, nothing happened.

Then a voice whispered, "should we kill him"

Another voice replied, "im not sure"

The Professor's eyes opened, and he groaned, as he realised what this next torture was to be. He wasn't going to be beaten to death, oh no, clearly that would be too kind.

He was being forced to listen to people talking _without using punctuation or capitalisation._

"maybe we should just talk like this" another voice said. "it seems to cause him great pain doesnt it"

There was a murmur of dwarfish agreement.

The Professor moaned in agony. What had he ever done to deserve this?

"so what do you think about the new marvel movies" said the first voice.

"oh they are quite excellent" replied the second.

"far better than the batman films"

"oh yes they are terrible"

"dreadful"

"cant imagine why anyone would watch them"

The Professor, in the throes of anger and pain, wrenched his mouth open, and shouted, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

The air rippled as the dwarfs vanished, and the leprechaun collapsed to the ground.

At last, the pieces were beginning to fall into place in the Professor's mind. The golem, the _Avengers_ character, the dwarfs, the lack of punctuation.

Only one person could be behind this torment.

"CENDI," the Professor roared.

* * *

><p>The mad scientist grinned. Now the real fun began.<p>

* * *

><p>"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ME?" he went on. He was, of course, stuck on caps lock.<p>

Muttering to himself, the Professor took out his staff once more. With the growl of a command word, he swung it out into the empty air.

There a thud, and a gleam of golden light, as the staff collided with an invisible wall.

"So this is it, is it?" the Professor muttered.

He jumped up and down, shouting out several more command words. In seconds, golden light was dancing up and down the street, revealing the invisible walls that stretched all around it.

"So what is this, some kind of simulation?" he growled.

The whining sound of someone picking up a microphone echoed out from the sky above.

"XD," Cendi's voice sounded out overhead.

"And what, you put me in this when I tripped up outside your house?"

"XD," Cendi confirmed.

"Well then," the Professor said darkly. "LET ME OUT."

There was a contemplative pause from the mad scientist in the sky. Then she said: "Nah."

There was the sound of a large lever being pulled.

Suddenly, the Professor's head was filled with the drone of a thousand voices. He crumpled to the ground, screaming in agony.

Every single voice was reading aloud, loudly and vociferously.

And each voice was reading out Twilight.

The leprechaun rolled about on the ground, trying to block out the sheer torture that was ringing through his head. It felt like his brain was being torn out of his ear and fed into a food blender. It was too much. He couldn't take it. He was going to die.

Then he remembered that he had in fact prepared for a situation such as this. After all, what was he, if not Crazy Prepared?

Fighting to retain his sanity—

Well, that's kind of a ridiculous word to use.

Fighting to retain his reason—

Er. Reason might be going a touch far.

Fighting to retain his ability to think—

Yes! That's the one!

—he reached into his shirt pocket, and withdrew his salvation, his foci of freedom, his method of escape, his—

Ten-pence coin?

* * *

><p>Cendi glared at her screen in puzzlement. This was a new one…<p>

* * *

><p>The Professor tossed the coin into the air, and bellowed, "I. CAN. NOT. BE. CONTROLLED."<p>

* * *

><p>Cendi tapped a key, in order to alter the course of the coin.<p>

The coin sailed upwards, before hurtling back down into the Professor's hand.

It landed on heads.

Cendi stared.

She checked the log of her last command. It clearly stated,

Last command sequence initiated: command Magneto() {coinFall setto "tails"};

What in the names of the gods was going on? Her computer never failed to accurately manipulate the environment of the simulation.

* * *

><p>The Professor watched as the walls of the simulation began to rupture. He grinned maniacally.<p>

"Wondering what's going on, Cendi?" he said. Not waiting for her answer, he went on, "This coin is beyond your control. It was forged in a moment beyond all things. Created inside one of the cracks in time, tempered by pure time energy, moulded by the fire at the end of the world. It is a piece of pure stillness, and pure chaos."

He paused, unable (as always) to resist the opportunity to beef up the drama of his speech.

"And not only does that it mean it is beyond your control," the Professor said triumphantly. "It also means that it completely reflects all attempts to control it. And here, that means your own computer gets turned against its own simulation."

He tilted his head back, and roared with crazy manic laughter, as the simulation collapsed around him.

* * *

><p>He woke up on the exact spot where he'd fallen, outside Cendi's house.<p>

Clearly, when he'd tripped, he'd been entered into the simulation.

The narrator knows this has been said already, but has mentioned it again for the sake of drama. And word count.

Sparing only a second to give the HwtGotP a triumphant look, the Professor hurried back to his mansion, all thoughts of tennis completed forgotten.

* * *

><p>The next day, Cendi had to visit the Technology Market to pick up a new soul-reaping circuit.<p>

The Market happened to be at the foot of Mulberry Mountain.

When she entered the boundary of the Mountain, the mad scientist tripped.

She groaned as she stood up. This could only mean one thing.

Cendi glanced around, and saw that the Market had vanished, and everything looked normal.

In fairness, she was a good deal quicker on the uptake than the Professor.

A dark-clad, black-caped figure swooped out of the air, landing in front of Cendi.

She stepped back uneasily. "What are you?" she muttered.

A voice echoed out in the sky above.

"A silent guardian…"

The figure took a step forward.

"A watchful protector…"

The caped man lunged forward, and hoisted Cendi up by the collar.

"A dark knight."


	13. Chapter 13

**Title:** Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count: **2.3k-ish

**Written By: **Incendiarist

**Summary: **Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><em><strong>Unlucky Chapter 13<strong>_

_or_

_**Aerist Family Reunion**_

* * *

><p><em>"am I part of a cult now is that it" — Hundred<em>

* * *

><p>It was a very special day in the Aerist household.<p>

A very special day in all of Casper Town, in fact, but especially the Aerist household, because the Aerist family had a Tradition for this day, a family reunion sort of thing, where everyone agreed (or rather, swore on a worn copy of Monstrous Regiment at knifepoint) not to brutally murder anyone else, and there was food which was probably edible, the test subjects in the dungeons got a reprieve from the sole reason for their existence, and Cendi got to see her many, many children.

Cendi had a startling amount of children for someone who appeared so young, and had custody of exactly none of them. The exact reason for why someone who so desperately wanted to be a mother (even possibly-two-dimensional mad [insert catchall term here]ists of unknown species were allowed to have hidden depths, and this was one that very few people were aware it existed; zero people, in fact, and three Beings) was not given even partial custody was classified to beyond the point that it was kept in a computer's system at all, and was instead in a safe in an undisclosed location somewhere in The Other Place, but the running theory was that, buried deep within the Casper Town Constitution (rumoured to exist, to the point where the search for it in the Unseen University Library had become something of a hunt of Cibola, promising, if not fame and fortune, one's classmates signing one's straightjacket) was a clause stating that, were a situation to arise in which a child was born as the result of an experiment with stolen DNA, the unwitting parent was to be given custody.

The Professor, standing awkwardly in the corner of the dining room and watching Cendi glare at her laptop and brutalise an onion in turns, figured this was probably for the best.

"WHY WOULD YOU POST SOMETHING LIKE THAT" cried the mad everythingist, and brought the hatchet down even harder on the innocent vegetable. "WHYYYYYYYYYY"

_**SOMEWHAT LATER**_

"Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Happy Thanksgiving, Willamina," said Mrs Aerist from her portrait. "Oh, Dimitri, you've gotten so big!"

"Gramma!" cried Dimitri, and Willamina looked around the foyer of the House WaGotP curiously.

"Where's Cendi?"

"asdfghjkl" came a voice from behind her. "dimitri

"omigods

"dimitri you look so grown up

"and and and

"your _hair_"

Willamina sighed. "Cendi."

"rebel" replied Cendi, pulling the toddler up into her arms. Large, usually-cheerful eyes narrowed. "are you here to steal away katie

"because shes _mine_"

Willamina looked at Cendi blankly. "Who's Katie?"

"oh

"nevermind

"cos of i definitely didnt say anything ignore me"

There was an awkward moment where the two glared at each-other, Dimitri glancing between them, confused, and then the doorbell rang, for sufficiently non-ringing values of rang.

"oh"! said Cendi, English reshaping itself around her lack of respect for punctuation. Dimitri was handed over to Willamina. "that must be minar— minnie"!

And indeed it was. Minare— Minnie Dragoste was an old friend of Cendi, from even before the creation of what the mad everythingist described as "an unprecedented example of a habitable parasite universe seeking out inhabitants" (the emphasis on 'habitable' causing more than a few nightmares in the trio of high-school students she'd been keeping watch over) and the sign called

"

**G FO of**

**C spe T wn**

**op.: Var abl**

". The Aerists and Dragostes were ancient families, and their partnership was famed in the Carpathians, in the same way Vlad the Impaler was, a sort of grudging respect mixed with utter hatred. The two girls were nearly the same age, and close as something very extremely close, hardly ever apart, which had made Willamina somewhat Suspicious. Cendi, as cryptic and unhelpful as ever, had made reference to 'things you don't know and I can't tell you', and that was the end of their tolerable-by-way-of-only-seeing-each-other-once-per-week marriage.

The scene unfroze from the exposition, and Cendi pulled a large, malevolent sort of switch, causing a loud _bang!_ to shake the house, and the cat, lying in the window, to shriek and disappear.

"You updated it," said Willamina.

Cendi waved a hand distractedly in her direction and opened the door with a grin showing more teeth than the human mouth contained.

Minnie Dragoste grinned back, seeming unbothered. "oh hey. cendi. cendi hey."

"asdfghjkl minar— minnie come help callie and me cook lovely"

"okey :D"

They clasped hands like schoolgirls and very nearly _skipped_ into the kitchen, chattering on in their odd brand of English.

Willamina blinked, shifting Dimitri onto her hip. "What just happened?"

_**IN THE KITCHEN**_

, though 'kitchen' was perhaps stretching the bounds of credibility. It was simply the shell of a room, the remains left by an apparently-self-contained fire. The entire outside wall was completely destroyed, though it shouldn't have been; from outside the house, everything was in perfect—if somewhat disturbing—order.

And Casper Town didn't have three suns, huge and impossibly close. Casper Town didn't have a sun at all, opting instead for a sort of ambient light that simply occasionally wasn't there.

The half of the room which still had a floor was reachable via a few careful steps on the rafters. Minnie was afraid of heights and careful not to look down. Minaret, though, she couldn't care less, and seeing the familiar peaks of her homeland, _all_ of the peaks of her homeland; that in itself was amazing enough. Minaret couldn't remember the last time she'd been to Transylvania.

Cendi smiled sadly when she followed Minaret's gaze to the mountains, the gaps in space recognisable as blurs in constant movement, nonsentients—monsters—streaking through in mile-wide hunting packs, impressive cities standing in the shadows of the third dimension, until a trick of the light made them impossible to see, as though the two were human. "isnt it beautiful"?

Minaret nodded, morose. "absolutely stunning."

"a shame" said Cendi, and coughed. **A shame**, she continued, abandoning the tortured English for a language without words, simply feelings and thoughts, thrown out into the phorical ether, **we can't return.**

**So it is**, Minaret replied, in the sort of way where reply's dictionary definition has been ignored entirely. It wasn't a reply, because there was no speech, only momentary truths.

**I've suspicions as to the location of the book.**

**Oh?**

**Yes. I'll need your co-operation, if it isn't so very much to ask.**

**What sort of co-operation?**

The Narrator arbitrarily decided not to record Cendi's answer. For the sake of epileptic trees, he/she/it also arbitrarily decided to inform the readers that it was a single word, and began with ecks.

**Oh**, said Minaret,** of course.**

The Professor came back into the kitchen. "I confiscated your laptop, Cendi. You can have it back tomorrow."

Cendi's eyes narrowed. "fuck you wh0re"

"No sense in being rude, Cendi, really."

"ill be rude if i damn well want to you idiotic fucking leprechaun" replied Cendi, suddenly whisking a large bowl of orxata with a great deal of fervour. "nobody asked you for your opinion callie i mean _really_"

Minaret frowned. Cendi didn't tend to care about what people thought of her, but she seemed... different, somehow, with the Professor. Got offended.

It was more than a bit surreal.

"oh minaret lovely can you take this out to the dining room"? asked Cendi, holding a pan of rice like an offering. "im not done making the sauces yet but theres really no room in here for that"

There wasn't, really. The portion of the room which still had a floor was perhaps two eldritched metres (like squared, but with more dimensions), with an old wooden table functioning as a counter, every time one of the two chopped into a vegetable or unidentified meat product their blades cut into the tabletop. Someone else might have been worried about sanitation, especially as the knives were rusty and with a sheen suggesting that washing it before cutting a different ingredient wasn't something that had ever crossed the mad everythingist's mind. Thankfully, Ms Else didn't live in Casper Town, so it wasn't an issue.

The rest of the kitchen-so-called consisted of a small sort of ice-box, a wood-burning stove, and a tin bucket which seemed to be in use as a sink.

The inhabitants of the house WtGotP didn't generally _eat_.

Cendi tapped her foot impatiently, urging the exposition to _stfu you idiot_, and the exposition complied. If it did so with a sour expression on its face, well, no-one mentioned it.

"sure. :3 i'll be right back."

"A_A"

_**THIS IS A FLASHBACK**_

The knocker slammed against the door with a reverberation one wouldn't expect from wood.

Of course, a wooden vault door wouldn't be much use, now, would it?

A young, innocent-looking girl stood in front of the foreboding entryway, tapping her foot impatiently. "c'mon cendi hurry _up_"

The perfectly-balanced door came open with a terrible groan of the hinges, another girl, equally young if not equally innocent in appearance, putting her full weight into forcing the door wide enough for the first to slip inside.

"oh stoppit cendi i know the door doesn't take hardly any effort to open"

Cendi pointedly didn't cease in her, quote, nigh-useless attempt at wedging open the steel monstrosity, unquote.

Finally, _finally_, the door was enough few centimetres parted from its frame for the girl to slip inside, and she did so, smiling, the latter's recent behaviour already forgiven.

"Innocent" wasn't much a fitting word. The girl, Cendi, had for her hair and eyes the colour of a graphite smudge. Sickly pale skin, thin and with the same fragile quality of old parchment, did little to hide purple-blue veins, thick and well-defined. A plain white sort of chemise, nearly the same tone as her skin, hung loosely on her frame, dull and limp as the lay of her hair.

No, "innocent" wasn't the proper word. The proper word was "dead."

Cendi smiled an unproportional smile, too many teeth in not enough space, too small and perfectly even save a hint of fang in the molars, and there was something in the eyes, so that while nothing about her appearance had changed, still the same monochrome, there was an odd sort of shift and somehow she wasn't dead.

Funny how that works.

Colour began to seep into her, giving the illusion of depth, of some value of realism, and when her eyes began to glow a light blue, she embraced the caller with

more excitement than one might have been brought to expect. "minaret" she murmured into the other girl's hair.

"hey cendi :3"

An impossibly tall, graceful woman seemed to float down the staircase, and said admonishingly, **Incendei!**

Cendi seemed to deflate, her hands slipping to lie at her sides. **Mumsie?**

**Don't go out without your cloak, you idiot girl! Have you forgotten what happened the last time?**

**No, Mumsie, **Cendi said quietly, **I've not forgotten. I ought go and get it.**

**Yes, you ought,** said her mother, as Cendi evaporated. **Hello, Minaret,** she added, an afterthought.

**Hello, ma'am. **Minaret shifted awkwardly; Cendi's mum freaked her out a rather bit. She counted herself thankful that Cendi appeared after only a moment, clasping a heavy cloak 'round her shoulders.

**We'll be going now, then, Mumsie,** said Cendi, going _en pointe_ to kiss her mother's cheek.

**You'd best be back in time for supper, Incendei, **said her mum, with the same worrying quality of a good mother in any universe and any language.

**Of course, Mumsie. You worry too much, Mumsie. We can handle ourselves, Mumsie,** said Cendi, with the same petulant quality of an average teenager in any universe and any language, grabbing Minaret's hand and all but dragging her out the door.

**That is what I fear,** murmured her mother.

_**THIS IS THE END OF THE FLASHBACK**_

Cendi frowned. "you know that pointless flashbacks just to pad the wordcount are bad form narrator"

"How do you know it's pointless, huh? _Huh_?"

Cendi rolled her eyes, and went back to cooking.

"hey callie can you get the brain out of the icebox"?

"Er," said the Professor. "Which one?"

" " said Cendi, "all of them"?

"Cendi, there are sixteen brains in here. There's no way we can eat all of that."

"have you ever seen katie eat callie i mean srsly well eat all of them believe me"

The Professor sighed. "Do you have a fryer?"

Cendi looked at him. "why would we need a fryer" she asked, confused, "o.o"

"...Cendi," said the Professor. "How do you expect to make brain soufflé without a fryer?"

The ensuing argument destroyed the fabric of seventeen realities and caused Zadi Kim to become sane, but that's a story for another time, which is to say, I seriously need to get this published and I don't want to deal with this whole other section right now so we can come back to it later, yeah?

Narrator out.


	14. Chapter 14

**Title:** Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count: **1k-ish

**Written By: **Cheese

**Summary: **Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fourteen: for (var i = 1; i != 0; i++) { consolelog ("infinite loop");};<strong>

_and cal and i have a sort of friends with benefits thing going_

**_—_Cendi**

Calm isn't a word usually associated with Casper Town. Chaosexplodnoisy is, owing to the type of people/things/Cendi who reside here, as well as the disturbances a constantly changing timeline and canon cause.

At the moment, however, the main street was...calm. Nothing major was happening. Sydney was leading an interested tourist to her apartment(which, for some reason, seems to only contain showers and closets), Zadi and Leaf were taking a break from detectiving and sipping coffee from Three Corners, Old Man Tard was talking about Casper Town's large number of ships with a crowd("There's Pladi, Sydneyxeveryone, Plendi, though only one person tends to use that ship, and so on..."), and Cheese's psychotic bunnies were chewing contentedly on a few deceased tourists.

Cheese suddenly appeared, not accompanied by a huge explosion and theme music as was usual, but rather faded in gently to Moonlight Sonata(1st mvt).

"Anyone summon me?" she asked, and everyone around shook their heads.

"OUT OF MY WAY, HEATHEN," a loud voice demanded. The Professor shoved Cheese out of the way as he strode past, and suddenly the reason for the calmness beforehand became clear: it was a technique used to really highlight the Professor's entrance in the chapter, the calmness contrasting with his loud shout.

"What's his problem?" Cheese asked, rubbing her arm- hmm. A rash the shape of a hand had appeared on her arm. Strange. As far as she knew, she was only allergic to potatoes.

"Pre-Monkey Syndrome," Leaf suggested. "He gets this visitor every month or so, and he always gets stressed beforehand. He told me in a interview with him," she added.

Cheese turned around, surprised. "He let you interview him?" The Professor didn't usually enjoy answering questions from tourists.

"Yes."

"He must like you or something, then." Cheese wondered how long it would take her to make Pleaf 4eva t-shirts.

"I think he liked me."

And Photoshop their faces onto wedding photos.

"Because he adopted me, for some reason..."

Dammit.

...Meh. Cheese made a note to made a Pleaf banner as well.

* * *

><p>The door to WaGotP opened with a crash.<p>

"perfect" Cendi said happily. She'd spent ages working on making the door mechanism dramatic enough. Sophie was in her lap, having been borrowed from Musa just so she could do the following:

She spun around in the swivel chair, stroking the purring cat.

"hello callie. ive been expecting you" she said to the figure in the doorway.

"Yeah, yeah. I saw the Leprechaun-Signal. What do you want? And be quick about it. I've got to get home and prepare for my visitor."

"okay."

"So what do you want? I hope it's important and not one of your tricks because I don't have time for it."

"no, no, not that at all. the opposite. i want a truce. no more tricks from either of us."

"A truce?" The Professor raised an eyebrow, suspecting a trick.

"4srs. look, follow me~"

Cendi led the Professor through the house, going up, down, sideways, into different dimensions, through secret passages. The Professor noted that the house had seemed smaller from the outside, and suddenly had a good idea about who had stolen his TARDIS.

They finally entered a room. It was bare, apart from a desk, a chair, and a...

The Professor's eyes widened. "It can't be," he exclaimed.

"it is."

On the desk, lay the newest MacBook.

"i really want a truce, you see. so i got you this."

"That's ...for me?"

"yes. At work, when nobody's looking, I bring in out and work on it. At home, on the bus, just everywhere. Whenever I can, I bring it out."

The Professor frowned. "I'm sorry?"

"oops. sorry. i think there was a similar scene to this in another universe and so our universes got muddled for a moment."

The Professor shook his head. He'd suddenly been seeing images of Cendi's Python. Weird.

"anyway, callie. this will be yours, after you type out a description of what happened, so our agreement to have a truce will be written down and then we'll sign to confirm it."

The Professor hesitated. He didn't exactly trust Cendi, but on the other hand, an Apple product was at stake.

"Agreed."

He sat on the chair and stretched his fingers, smiling at the MacBook that would soon be his, anticipating the beautiful feel of the keys.

"promise me you'll finish writing the story without taking a break?"

The Professor wasn't listening properly, too transfixed by the sight before him to ponder on what a weird request that was. "Hmm? Yeah, yeah, I swear on Lake Inky I'll finish in one go," he said, binding himself to the promise. After all, it would only take a thousand words or so, he estimated. Wanting to finish it as quick as possible, he began to type.

_Calm isn't a word usually associated with Casper Town. Chaosexplodnoisy is, owing to the type of people/things/Cendi who reside here, as well as the disturbances a constantly changing timeline and canon cause..._

That's when he realised.

Realised what Cendi had plotted.

The account was going to be _way_ longer than a thousand words.

He tried to stop.

But it was too late.

"You tricked me!"

Cendi stared at him innocently. "what? o.o"

"Don't act so innocent! You know full well what you did! You've got me trapped in a loop!"

"hmm?"

"You exploited my obsession with Apple products! I agreed to write down the account of how we're getting a truce, but inside that account I'm going to have to write the account that I'm writing because that happens in the account and inside that account I'll have to write the account I'm writing and so on, so it'll never end- What are you doing!?"

"collecting your exclamation marks. i can get a good price for them in the fangirls' market. ^_^ dont mind me. carry on." She stroked Sophie, who was still in her lap, seemingly unaware of the laws of physics suggesting that she should have fallen from Cendi when she'd gotten up from the chair.

The Professor sighed. "Why am I telling you this, anyway!? You know what you did!"

"oh, it's not for me. could you pause for a second? the readers need time to go over and understand your explanation."

"You can't do this to me!" the Professor snarled. He would have shook his fist, but his hands remained stuck to the keyboard, forced to type and type and type.

_...She spun around in the swivel chair, stroking the purring cat._

_"hello callie. ive been expecting you" she said to the figure in the doorway..._

"XD. how about no you peasant. this is payback for that batman incident. brb i need to repair the fourth wall."

"Curse you, Cendi!" the cursing Professor cursed in a cursing way. He wouldn't be able to stop until Cendi agreed to let him stop. Which would probably not be for a very long time. Or at all. But he swore he would get his revenge as the door swung shut and footsteps grew fainter and fainter. "Be afraid, Cendi! Be very afraid!" he muttered darkly, already-aching fingers forced to tap on keys over and over and over again.

_..."promise me you'll finish writing the story without taking a break?"_

_The Professor wasn't listening properly, too transfixed by the sight before him to ponder on what a weird request that was. "Hmm? Yeah, yeah, I swear on Lake Inky I'll finish in one go," he said, binding himself to the promise. After all, it would only take a thousand words or so, he estimated. Wanting to finish it as quick as possible, he began to type._

_Calm isn't a word usually associated with Casper Town. Chaosexplodnoisy is, owing to the type of people/things/Cendi who reside here, as well as the disturbances a constantly changing timeline and canon cause..._

* * *

><p>It is foretold that one day, a Hoodverse chapter will end, not because the author has lost interest in continuing the chapter, but because there's a proper reason for it to end.<p>

However, it's not today.


	15. Chapter 15

**Title**: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: 2K

**Written By**: A Ghost

**Summary: **Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen: In Which We Return<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Though they go mad they shall be sane,<em>

_Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;_

_Though lovers be lost love shall not;_

_And death shall have no dominion._

—**Dylan Thomas**

_What the hell is going on now?_

–**Plug**

_We're building up the neighbourhood._

_Grab a house, won't you dear?_

–**Musa**

* * *

><p>Something happened to Casper Town.<p>

The power that sustained the borders between the town and that strange place Reality began to wane. The bonds of community that held the place together even in the midst of a metacyclone of insanity began to crumble. Parts of the pocket universe began to fade away, to be replaced by a mere blank emptiness, a void without the people or disasters for which Casper Town is so famous.

And then, in time, as the magic of the town began to disintegrate and its barriers against attack dissipated, a great and terrible storm came from a distant part of the Nevernever, and struck the town in an awful moment of destruction. The Storm of Steve The Dead One raged for an eon, rending holes in the fabric of Casper Town, tearing many of its denizens away from their demesnes and flinging them into the harsh, unyielding Real World. The storm continued, unfailing, unstoppable, even in the face of the thin cries for mercy that came from those Casperians who dared to face the chaos.

In time, the storm began to ebb away, slipping back into the dark, ruthless part of the Nevernever from which it had emerged. The damage that it left behind was incomprehensible. Countless sanctified locations in the town had been desecrated and decimated. The House that Looks Warped in the Light was broken down the middle horizontally, with the top half of the building vanishing into some distant pocket of the netherworld, taking with it much of the Gatekeeper's tools. Many of her ancient knitting needles were swept away, along with the remaining crumbs of her sanity. Shortly after this horrific event, the Gatekeeper vanished from Casper Town, leaving unguarded the Hellmouth, which began to spew forth dark energies and spirits, only further worsening Casper Town's demise.

Hers was not the only one to suffer. The House with the Gargoyle on the Porch was almost entirely destroyed. The mysterious scientist that resided there disappeared the night before the storm, vanishing into a level of the aether known only to the most learned in eldritch lore. Her house was abandoned, and faced the storm with no protection. The gargoyle was shattered against a flying wall of exclamation marks, and the building's own walls came falling in, one by one, destroyed by an onslaught of silence. The laboratory was ruined, and many of the strange creatures which the scientist had held there escaped into the Town, wreaking further mayhem.

But this, alas, was not the end of the doom that had befallen this place. The Forum, a place of much joy and death in past time, was left empty as the denizens fled before the approaching disaster, and the winds of harsh Reality broke apart all the hallowed artefacts and locations of this once-great gathering-place. Countless shops on the town's streets were destroyed - the ice-cream parlour, the sweetshop, the coroner's store - everything was shattered and left derelict.

In the wake of this terrible fate, only a small number of hardy fools and committed lunatics retained their place in Casper Town.

Chief among them was Zadi Kim, P.I. Though her offices were left in utter ruin by the catastrophe, still she could not give up the case of Casper Town. She had made a commitment to understand the nature of this place, and though it had been engulfed by the death it had so long courted, she did not yield her place so easily. She re-established her office in another part of town, and made sojourns back into Reality three times every week to obtain supplies, but she always returned to survey the almost-deserted town and search for any signs of life. She was not alone in this work. Bound together by vows of loyalty, united by shared experience, and connected by the warm relationship of kind mistress and forever-indentured slave, Zadi Kim and Leaf Nao remained partners in investigation - and crime, when the need presented itself. Leaf, as Zadi's minion, accompanied her P.I. tutor on every quest into the chaos of the town, as they tried to find the reason why this fate had been visited on the town, and as they looked for some way to rebuild this lost uncivilization.

A few others also remained. Hundred and Minaret, purveyors of important goods during the town's years of success and power, did not abandon their old establishments. Though it proved necessary to make frequent forays into deeper parts of the Nevernever to obtain supplies, they did not leave their old homes, but continued on, holding out hope that one day Casper Town would begin again. The Professor, in his great house on Mulberry Mountain, was shielded from much of the damage of the dark storm, but his faith in the future of the town was broken when he saw to what low the place had been brought. Still, he did not flee back into Reality, or disappear into a different region of the netherworld. He continued to work in his rooms, building a library of magical lore and fables. Sightings of his old mentor, Marz the Wise One, were known to happen, with the ancient sage passing through the town occasionally, sometimes bringing news of the outside world, and on other times taking tidings of the town's fate to another pocket universe nearby.

A handful of other denizens passed in and out of Casper Town, and with the barriers against new visitors destroyed, strangers often strayed into the universe, usually by accident, and never for long. Such was the fate of this place, once the site of so much psychosis and happiness, now a mere graveyard for the dreams and nightmares of its scattered inhabitants.

And so, it would seem that Casper Town was doomed to pass away into nothing, its only fate to fade away into oblivion, as the remaining denizens bit by bit lost the will to keep the place going.

In truth, however, the guiding forces of the Nevernever had not yet done with this small but significant corner of the spirit world - for an imbalance had to be redressed.

No-one who suffered in the Storm Of Steve The Dead One dared question why such a calamity had befallen their homeland. Some believed it was an accumulation of the bad karma caused by years of dark enchantments; while the rest were convinced that the storm had arisen from the depths of the Hellmouth itself. Neither of these groups were correct, for the true villain that had wrought the town's devastation was something far more sinister, an enemy far more dangerous than anything the Casperians could imagine.

For, lurking in the shadows since the town's inception, there was a dark force at work, an Enemy which had gone unnoticed, except, that is, by the strangest of all Casper Town's inhabitants, who had long ago recognised this Enemy and foreseen its danger. Locked away in her unstable pocket dimension of **The Great Beyond**, Cheese, one of the town's most powerful entities, had noticed the dangerous nature of the paper bags which loitered in every corner of Casper Town. Indeed, she had confronted a leading paper bag rebel, and warned it that any attempt to overthrow the Casperians would be met with a ruthless reprisal from Cheese herself. However, she had no idea that the paper bags were far more cunning that their appearance suggested.

Their dark plan took many a moon to concoct, but they had the time, they had the means, and they had the motive. Working always in the shadows, the paper bags crafted Casper Town's demise, building a whirlwind of magical darkness which, on that fateful day in the dark dull depths of Samhain, rained down on this sanctuary of insanity, wiping away almost all traces of community.

But, that was not the end.

For while the paper bags had their victory, and while they then took their place as rulers of the town, now holding every place of importance, creeping across the pocket universe like a rash across a goblin's belly, greater forces than these flimsy interlopers were at work. Though Casper Town languished for a long time, perhaps in purgatory for the many dark deeds committed by its residents, it was not doomed to oblivion.

One day, when the winds blowing through the town were especially cold, and the broken windows on the main street were glinting in a cold winter sun, and the shattered doors of the denizens' old homes were rattling and creaking in the breeze, a figure passed through the gates to Reality, and entered the Town. But unlike the many other strange visitors that had come to this place, this being was robed in a great power, an aura of magic and belief so strong that it was almost impossible to register with any mortal senses.

This figure, its identity hidden from the perplexed watching gazes of Zadi, Leaf and the Professor, set about the mighty, seemingly impossible task of rebuilding Casper Town. It summoned great spirals of power, and with gestures of implausible complexity, banished the dark, accursed hexes laid upon the settlement by the paper bags. The Storm of Steve The Dead One, with all its horrific power, still lingered in the atmosphere, its muggy influence weighing down on the universe, but with a few simple words, the visitor banished these remnants of the paper bags' vengeance.

And yet, this great mage was not yet done. For he, she, or it, set about making anew the wards of the town, pouring fresh power into the broken barriers between Casper Town and Reality, adding new locks and bolts to the shattered doors to the Nevernever, and gilding the edges of the seal on the Hellmouth with an enchanted steel that wafted pure untainted magic. The work was great, begun in an instant but spread out over many a ceaseless day and night, as this wielder of ancient lore rebuilt the Town that the spirit world forgot.

And so, even as the remaining denizens watched in astonishment, the figure forged a new Town, one protected by charms and wards stronger than any yet seen by the Town. Then, in the final moment before the gates to Reality were forced shut, the mage activated a security measure buried in a cave deep beneath the House that Looks Warped in the Light. At midnight on mid-winter's night, the visitor activated the Assemblance Siren. This, a powerful working built by the Gatekeeper herself many eons ago, sent out a magical frequency across not only all of Reality, but all of the Nevernever itself, emitting a shining beacon that called to all those who had been pulled from their home in Casper Town, and all those who were unable to find their way back. It sang out across all the dimensions, a single note with a great, pure message, one that spoke to the insanity of the lost Casperians, and told them, at last, that _The Town Was Once More Safe For Madness_.

Still, the mage was not yet done. The wards sealed against all but those who wanted to return, the siren echoing across space and down time, the figure set about one final task: casting out the menace that had brought this fate down upon Casper Town. With a terrifying implacability, it stalked into the underground catacombs that snaked under the town, and sought out the leader of the paper bags.

There, in the flickering candlelight, close to the centre of the Hellmouth, the mage confronted the ancient brown bag that had orchestrated Casper Town's destruction. They engaged in a mythic duel of magic and will, clashing in a battle that caused such ripples of power displacement that several earthquakes ran through the town overhead, even as former denizens began to reenter via the backdoor through the wards left open especially for them.

Eventually, though, the visitor got bored and set the thing on fire with a cigarette lighter.

In a single, universe-rattling boom, the power of the paper bags was vanquished. They fled in great numbers, pouring away from Casper Town in the bubbling, primal part of the Nevernever from which they had come. And now, at long last, the town was at peace.

_but that's not the end of the story_


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: I nearly made a playlist for this. Thanks goes to Don McLean for writing the overplayed song, and whoever was kind and amazing enough to write the previous chapter. **

**Also: While painfully rereading the first chapter, I am proud to say that my writing has developed. **

**Title**: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood

**Word Count**: 2K

**Written By**: Zadi

**Summary**: Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.

We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.

Care to stay?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixteen: American Pie<strong>

_Please don't let my fate be decided on running ability._

**— Leaf**

* * *

><p>The Greasy Spoon was a fine establishment that was built between nowhere and Casper Town. A diner that was caught up in a temporal wormhole in the 1940s that still had its original look, the red leather seats, coffee-stained menus, black-and-white checkered floors and all. The waitresses all had bad perms, and no customer was certain what the chef look like since they never left the confines of their kitchen. Despite the place being locked down in that part of the space-time-continuum, The Greasy Spoon served some really great root beer floats.<p>

There in a booth near a window was Private Eye Zadi Kim. Now a couple of years older and not an inch taller, the weary detective felt certain that for the first time in a while that she had a breakthrough with the case.

It was an anonymous PM of all things that had told her to come.

_SOMETHING IS COMING. _

_1/3/15_

_THE GHOST WRITERS' HEADQUARTERS._

It more than enough to drag her out of the investigation in Tumblrtown (a place where everything was literally blue, and built as a massive and dangerous labyrinth), and FI Field, a town similar to Casper Town, but was now sporting the same warning signs that had brought the other town's demise.

Nearly three years later, Zadi hadn't changed much. Aside from the improvement in her fighting abilities and speech fluency (it was hard to summon things from **The Great Beyond** if one had a clutter. There was once an incident involving a Summoning Circle and a pigeon…oh, never mind…), she was still the same short American with a fondness for wearing cool black coats.

She pushed her glasses up her nose and pressed her lip as she read the menu, eyes occasionally flickering up to see if her contacts were here yet. To add to her fraying nerves, the jukebox was _still_ playing _American Pie_.

"Just die already," muttered Zadi as the chorus began again, catching the ire of a nearby waitress. Zadi noticed this and tried smiling warmly at the forever-stuck-in-her-twenties woman. The immortal waitress glared daggers and Zadi looked back down at her menu, her fair skin becoming blotchy with embarrassment.

_…__So bye-bye, Miss American Pie_

_Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry_

_And them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey in Rye__…_

"Are you going to order anything for this super secret meeting?" a voice asked in a dry manner that Zadi recognized.

The detective looked up and let out a deep sigh. "'Bout time you showe' up," she said to her apprentice. "Take a seat, will ya? And save room 'cause we got more coming."

Leaf took a seat and idly glanced over the laminated paper. Her brownish-redish braid fell over one shoulder. "Wow, it's been forever since I've had a root beer float."

The same waitress that had glared at Zadi earlier angrily slammed a second glass of water on their table. She huffed and walked away in a cloud of peroxide chemicals and perfume that was now banned by the FDA.

Zadi shook her head and then spoke in something quieter than a stage whisper. "They don't like those words 'round here. Bit touchy about being stuck here, see?"

Her apprentice clicked her fingers, thinking. "Is there anyone I know coming to this?"

The shorter of the two smiled. "You'll see…" She turned to their glairing waitress, now speaking more demurely and avoiding the eyes. "I'll have, uh, have a the burger—no cheese, please, extra onions, please, uh—Leaf?" Zadi's voice cracked and she threw her friend a worried look, one that had SOS written all over it. Despite the improvements in her speech, there were still problems when talking to people other than friends.

"I'll have the soup and salad," Leaf smoothly took over. "Root beer float with chocolate ice cream, too." She handed her menu to Zadi who gave it and hers to the waitress. Once out of earshot, she resumed the conversation. "Why here?" she asked. "We have a perfectly good office back in town."

Zadi closed her hazel eyes, taking a deep breath first for better fluency. "We've been compromised."

Leaf went very quiet. She opened her mouth to speak, but only a horrified sound came out, reminding Zadi the moaning of a dying ghost. "We're _what?"_

"Compromised. Us. Bugged." Zadi's mouth twitched. "More like buggered." The weary smile faded as she pulled her phone out and checked for messages. "Weird. Nothing from the others…"

"What do we do?" Leaf asked, her voice rising. "All of our stuff is there and…and…and where is everyone?"

Zadi raised her head and readjusted her glasses. Blinking a few times, she wondered if she should hand over her supernatural PI license.

The diner was empty. The vague outlines of the patrons that she was growing accustomed to had vanished in the smoke-scented air, only the remains of half-eaten food and abandoned plates remained. Even the commotion of people in the kitchen wasn't there anymore.

Just the sound of _American Pie_ playing eerily in the background…

_…And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye_

_Singin' this'll be the day that I die_

_This'll be the day that I die…_

"Where did you found this place again?" Leaf asked, her face pale. "Because remember last time with the arcade that had the haunted ball pit problem? This reminds me a lot of that."

Zadi looked around, her forehead crinkling in confusion. "The hell? Their window became covered in a gray, heavy fog from outside, parts of it dully echoing strange colors, like fireworks from a great distance. Wisps of it curled from under the door in the front, snaking over the floor in great numbers, letting out little hisses and starting to take shape. "Ah, f—"

Their waitress appeared suddenly without warning. Coppery stains ruined her pink-and-white uniform, her hazy form flickering in and out of their vision, her long nails holding their platter of food in a tight grip. "Hungry, dearies?" She smiled fully, revealing fangs that matched her bright lipstick. Both detectives watched in horror as a drop of blood slid down her chin and fell to the floor.

_…_ _Singin' this'll be the day that I die…that I die…that I die…that I dieeeeee…dddiiieeeeee...DIE! _

The jukebox fell silent with a shudder.

Zadi reacted first. Sitting on her knees, she used her position to whip a leg out, striking the waitress in the knee. She pushed her weight to her hands on the seat and kicked higher and harder. The demonic waitress shrieked in pain, the platter falling down the ground and was swallowed by the strange mists. Zadi reached for a knife that was on the table, but Leaf had already conjured fire in her hands, standing on the table to get better leverage in the chance of an attack.

"Plan?" Leaf looked wildly around the place as more evil wait staff also suddenly appeared, and all looking hungry. The flames in her hands grew brighter as the temperature in the diner dropped.

Zadi stood on the table, holding the dull knife in one hand in an icepick grip. Her heart beat wildly in her chest, the fear on the tipping edge of making her hands almost become a useless, shaking mess "Who summoned thee?"

The jukebox groaned and its electric lights matched the pulse of the mists. The music came out almost normally, but with a sinister undertone to the 70s song.

_…_ _A long, long time ago_

_I can still remember how_

_That music used to make me smile…_

"I have a great plan," Leaf said. "It's a really amazing one, it's called _running away!" _

_ … And maybe they'd be happy for a while…_

Their waitress rose to her feet, her face fixed in a murderously cheery smile. "Would that be cash or credit, dearies?" The mists rose, the shapes in them appearing almost fully formed, as the lights became brighter and wilder inside of them. Her staff all wore matching smiles with bloodstained lips, their ears becoming pointed and faces lengthening into vampire-like ones.

_ …_ _Bad news on the doorstep_

_I couldn't take one more step…_

"Run!" Zadi agreed. Leaf blasted the window into pieces with one hand, and threw fire at the vampires with the other. Zadi grabbed Leaf by the sleeve and leaped out the window, with the scent of decaying flesh and fire behind them.

They landed on their feet, and Leaf had already picked herself up in a steady run and was reaching a great distance. Death was a great motivation to constantly stay in shape.

Zadi lingered for a moment. Now with more room, she pulled her collapsible staff out. The runes on them glowed like phosphorus in the dying twilight and foggy land. "Screw you, urbanspoon," she said to the diner before summoning more fire.

After much magical cursing and time running in the dark later, the two detectives found salvation in an abandoned bus stop. It was an old thing. The stop sign was so faded that the word wasn't even there anymore. A small bench was surrounded with three walls and a sloped ceiling where a flickering lightbulb started to die; each wall covered in a large amount of colorful graffiti and expired flyers. A twisting road was next to it, each end hidden in the shadows of the night and fog. It was the only object, manmade or natural, that they had seen for miles.

Leaf collapsed on the bench. The large use of elemental magic had drained her, and the adrenaline could only do so much. Zadi was leaning against the wall, her hand cramping from holding her staff for so long.

The vampires hadn't chased them that much. By the time they had a spectacular battle in the oddly large parking lot (Zadi never knew how reliable trucks were for weapons. It was amazing, really, how durable they were against super sharp claws), they found that the line where the parking lot ended has saved their lives. The vampires couldn't leave the property of the diner, and that was good enough for Zadi to reason by. It was well worth seeing the pissed faces of The Greasy Spoon, howling that their meals had escaped.

"Urbanspoon?" Leaf muttered. "I hate you."

"You…you say that n-now, but when I'm-I'm givin' you yer pay…" Zadi had given up her speech fluency for the moment. She sat on the floor, letting her staff drop near her, and went to go check her phone. The signal was surprisingly strong out in nowhere. "Jesus, frickin' Christ." Zadi's eyebrows flew up to her hairline as she saw the countless messages.

Leaf sat up. "Let me guess, it's the other people that you invited, and they were all warning you about the diner?"

"What am I payin' you? Looks like I need to increase it." Zadi played a voice message, the Irish accent muffled from the background noises.

"Change of plan. We're meeting at—" The rest of the message became swallowed by the series of cracks and pops. Cursing, Zadi tried another message.

"Pick up," said a grandmotherly voice. "Greasy Spoon isn't safe!"

"I know that _now,"_ Zadi muttered impatiently as her text messages said variations of the same thing.

"How are you even a detective?" asked Leaf. "We were in a diner filled with weird vampire things, and you found it on_ urbanspoon_! How did you thought it was normal?"

"It came through a wormhole! That's about as normal that these places get!" Zadi played the third message, but she only heard an unearthly moaning from the other side. "Dammit!" The next message only had what suspiciously sounded like a tiger growling.

"Zadi."

"What?" she said thinly. "What now?"

Leaf pointed to one end of the road, where the mists were thinning and twin lights were growing bigger. A shape slowly formed in front of their eyes. "We have a bus, and it looks like it's on time."

Somewhere and somehow, Zadi could almost hear the lyrics being carried by the soft wind.

_…_ _Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye_

_Singin' this'll be the day that I die…_


End file.
